[CHANGES] My Blues

[Sandra Ahten]

MY BLUES
I keep waiting for my blues to pass and for some great thoughts of wisdom to 
descend upon me. Instead of continuing to wait, I am attempting to compose 
this in hopes that inspiration might come flowing through my fingers even as 
my heart feels heavy and lagging behind.

My son, Kyle, 21 years old, was sentenced last week to three years in the 
Illinois State Department of Corrections. Could it really have been only a 
week ago? The charge was aggravated battery -- basically for allegedly 
pushing a cop while being arrested for stealing liquor from a grocery store 
two years ago. For the theft he was charged burglary. Both charges were 
felonies. He originally plea-bargained to have the burglary charge dropped 
and took "intensive probation" on the aggravated battery. He didn't finish 
his probation and was arrested again, this time for stealing cigarettes. 
Again, a felony.

Part of me wants to give you the whole explanation and tell you exactly why 
Kyle shouldn't be in prison. But needless to say, many people shouldn't be 
in prison who are there nonetheless. And Kyle should be held accountable for 
his crimes. I wish our justice system was truly just, but that is not the 
world we live in.

It has been a difficult time for Kyle, for me, and for my family. We have 
great hope that all will go well, that with "good time" he may even be out 
by Christmas, and that the ultimate outcome will be a positive future for 
Kyle. We are finding much to be grateful for, including a renewed sense of 
hope, optimism, and spiritual power within Kyle himself. He assures us that 
he is in a better "space" spiritually and mentally than he has ever been. 
His letters and calls to us bear this out. We are grateful that he has not 
been shipped off to war. Nor are we battling a terminal disease.

A DIVERSION FROM THE PAIN
With all the difficulties in my life and in the world, it has been hard to 
know what my priorities should be. I have tried to make myself feel better 
through food. One day I headed off to Red Lobster -- had myself a big ol' 
lobster platter, and followed it with a Fudge Overboard dessert. I wanted so 
much for the food to make me feel better. But I'm here to report that the 
diversion was short lived. And that is just what it was. After the diversion 
of the meal, I spent some time regretting having overeaten. Lamenting for 
falling back into old patterns. Worrying about what the scale would say that 
week. All diversions.

When I lay in bed at night, the fact that my son was in a jail cell was 
still with me. It became clear that the pain was mine to bear, that food 
would not make the pain go away. What, though, I asked myself, could lessen 
my pain? I've tried many things in the last week: talking to friends, 
praying, attending a new yoga class. I've made a gratitude list. I made a 
piece of art about my pain. I've written letters to Kyle. I've also done 
less healthy diversionary things -- obsessively checking the Department of 
Corrections web site, arguing in my head with people who have different 
perceptions from mine. I even colored my hair (red!).

I also decided to give myself some comfort food. I made a tuna 
noodle-cheese-peas casserole. I made salmon patties, fried potatoes, and 
pork and beans. I realized for the first time that comfort food means 
familiar food. Not necessarily great food, not necessarily high-calorie -- 
just familiar. My comfort food was a diversion, too, but somehow it seemed a 
little healthier, just because I was making my choices more consciously. I 
had asked myself what would make me feel better. I thought about it. I had 
it.

THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS
Kyle is in "reception" in Statesville Prison near Joliet this week. He will 
be transferred to a minimum or medium security prison this week. He hopes 
that it will be a prison that includes a drug rehab program. He was able to 
leave his cell on Saturday to call me. That was the first time he was 
allowed out of his cell since he had arrived on Wednesday morning. All meals 
were served in the cell. He had one roommate, and a toilet that was broken. 
"They don't want you to like it here, that's for sure."  My sister reminds 
me, "We don't want him to like it there either."

I do not have to figure out a way to eliminate the pain I feel today. A 
certain amount of it I will learn to live with, a certain amount will 
dissipate with time or changed circumstance, a certain amount I can turn 
over to my higher power, a certain amount I can eliminate by just getting on 
with my life in a healthy manner.

CHANGES
But what is a healthy manner? Last week in meetings we talked about meal 
plans. I tried to focus on that, but it seemed overwhelming. I tried to do 
meal planning on the WW website, but learning to navigate a new computer 
maze this week was just too much for me. I thought about doing it in an 
electronic spreadsheet, but that seemed overwhelming too. So I followed the 
advice that I would give to you. Instead of focusing on what I couldn't do 
or wouldn't do, I would try saying what I am willing to do. I am willing to 
drink my water. I am willing to eat many fruits and vegetables. I am willing 
to cook and eat at home most days and all evenings this week. (I can't think 
about next weekend yet). I am going to continue to eat healthy without 
focusing on points or calories. For instance, last weekend I cooked with a 
little more oil in my fried potatoes. I put some honey in my baked beans. 
This morning I had a big glass of orange juice. (Pure comfort!)

When I look at my eating from this perspective, it seems like I'm doing 
really well. I haven't been buying fast food or ordering pizza. I've been 
having some desserts, but not stopping at the gas station for candy bars. 
Hey, I really do feel better. My attention to my food seems balanced with my 
life situation. That is good. Not too much focus on food, on restriction, on 
what I should and shouldn't have -- but still trying to make decent choices. 
  That's a CHANGE I can live with.

Thanks for listening -- and for sending good thoughts my way.

Sandra Ahten

P.S. The berry cobbler recipe that I sent you some last month is absolutely 
delicious. However (unfortunately), it is not 2 points per serving, but 
rather 4. Also there is a mistake in calculation of the Taco Junk recipe 
from several months back. It is not 1 point per cup, but actually 4 points 
per cup.
------------------------
Sandra’s current schedule:
WW meetings: Wed 9:30am, Noon, 5:15pm, Fri 7:30am, 10am, Noon
At Shoppes of Knollwood on South Neil in Champaign, behind Biaggis.

Art Classes –
Creative Drawing - 5 weeks, Monday's starting in April  7-9pm
Art with Intention - Ongoing classes on Thursday 7-9pm or Friday 3-5pm.
Available for private consultation and lessons.

© 2002 by Sandra Ahten
Although I am an employee of Weight Watchers, this message has no 
affiliation with Weight Watchers International. I am solely responsible for 
the content.






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