[Newspoetry] If I were a religious man ... (NEWSPOEM)
Robert Porter
bwp61 at ix.netcom.com
Tue Feb 5 12:07:33 CST 2002
Hi. I'd like to talk to God.
Certainly, sir. I'll just need you to sit over there while I
set up the identity confrmation scanner.
Pardon?
It's a new thing. Everyone who wants to speak with the Almighty
has to go through an extensive security check.
Um ... what do you mean by 'extensive'?
You know, just the usual. Ocular scan, bloodwork, DNA
crossmatching ...
Wow, that seems a little ...
Dental x-rays, credit report, arrest records ...
What? Are you serious?
Psychiatric evaluation, history of drug use, full body cavity
search ...
Hold the phone here! I'm trying to talk to God, not get into the White
House!
Oh, they're not nearly as strict as we are, sir. After all,
presidents come and go, but there's just one Supreme Being.
Who could turn me into charcoal without batting an eye! I think you
blockheads have forgotten who you're trying to protect here!
Settle down, sir, or I'll have to call security.
Security! We're talking the Creator of the Universe here!
I'm calling them now. If I were you, I'd try to calm down.
These guys can be pretty rough on troublemakers.
I (breathe, breathe) am NOT (breathe, breathe) a troublemaker! I'm just
trying to commune with my Deity here. You sound like you're trying to
discourage folks from praying!
Prayer is not part of my job description, sir. I'm here to make
sure that the Most High isn't bothered by crackheads and psychos. After
all, you can't expect God to talk to just anyone.
I kinda thought that was the point.
Hippy. There he is boys! Take him away! Don't be too soft on
him, now!
You can't do this! I demand to see your supervisor!
Bye, sir! Remember to go limp when you hit the pavement! It'll
hurt less!
Hey! Let me go! Ow! You can't ... Ow!
Wheee! I love this job!
http://www.nytimes.com/2002/02/05/international/middleeast/05SAUD.html
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