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Since I can see both the "Bird Nest" (2008 Olympic Stadium) and the
accompanying Pangu
Hotel from the northwest window of the office at Madianqiao, and seeing
that many
have taken in hand to write about the effect of the Beijing Olympics on
the world, I had better set this matter straight.<br>
<br>
I am sure that most of you are familiar with that particular
enhancement of chaotic chain of events called the "Butterfly Effect".
The notion is that a butterfly flapping its wings on the west side of
Beijing might alter the singularly lousy weather in some place as
remote as Winnipeg. No doubt the Manitoban hosers are profusely
cursing Beijingers and their meddlesome Lepidopteran qingren and
tongzhimen with each infernal
invernal vagary.<br>
<br>
But actually in this case it is not a "butterfly effect" or the gyring
gypsy moth that gypped Egypt's Gaddhafan general, but rather a
"mosquito effect", the tale of how the flapping of a mosquito's wings
resulted in
revolution in a far off land. <br>
<br>
Lao Chen, a retired jidanbing cook living in the environs of the Madian
neighborhood just inside the north 3rd ring road was enjoying a hot cup
of tea in the courtyard with his friends one evening when suddenly they
were all distracted by the fireworks celebration accompanying the
opening
ceremony of the Beijing Olympics. He watched the fireworks display
going on north of his home with his five-year old granddaughter and
forgot his rapidly cooling tea, now open and exposed to the elements. <br>
<br>
While the tea cooled, its delicate scent attracted mosquitoes who laid
eggs in the lukewarm fluid. Due to the warmth of the tea and the
unique chemistry, the eggs hatched and developed from hatchling larva
to pupation in less than one hour. After all the oohing and ahhing
associated with the pyrotechnics, Lao Chen was athirst, and finding his
now cold tea, downed it in one gulp, unaware of the mosquito peril
lurking within.<br>
<br>
The mosquitoes immediately began to hatch inside Chen's empty stomach
and began biting him in the stomach, causing him to develop an
incredible itch. It was the worst itching he had ever felt in his
life. He rushed up to his 7th floor apartment where his wife was
slicing vegetables. She suggested that vinegar might stop the itch.
It failed. Finally they tried corn flakes and baking soda to scratch
the itch. He ate a whole box of dry corn flakes.<br>
<br>
But now that mixture was reacting in his bowels and he developed gas
pains, unbearable gas pain. He sought in vain for some way to relieve
it. Just then his granddaughter dropped a chopstick on the floor and
bending to pick it up, his problem was suddenly resolved.<br>
<br>
Chen's wife upbraided him mercilessly for his flatulent indiscretion,
and the uproar distracted drivers on the 3rd ring road causing a 43-car
pileup and the Egyptian revolution.<br>
<br>
<br>
On 2011-3-3 22:50, David Green wrote:
<blockquote cite="mid:37435.1373.qm@web65407.mail.ac4.yahoo.com"
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<h1 class="entry-title"><a moz-do-not-send="true"
href="http://inanities.org/2011/03/this-is-just-the-start-and-it-never-fucking-ends/"><font
size="3">http://inanities.org/2011/03/this-is-just-the-start-and-it-never-fucking-ends/</font></a></h1>
<h1 class="entry-title"><font size="3">This is just the start and it
never ... ends</font></h1>
<div class="entry-meta"><span class="meta-prep meta-prep-author">Posted
on</span> <a moz-do-not-send="true" title="10:42"
href="http://inanities.org/2011/03/this-is-just-the-start-and-it-never-fucking-ends/"
rel="bookmark"><span class="entry-date"><font color="#810081">March 2,
2011</font></span></a> <span class="meta-sep">by</span> <span
class="author vcard"><a moz-do-not-send="true" class="url fn n"
title="View all posts by Sarah Carr"
href="http://inanities.org/author/sarah-carr/"><font color="#0000ff">Sarah
Carr</font></a></span> </div>
<!-- .entry-meta -->
<div class="entry-content">
<p><em>After reading <a moz-do-not-send="true"
href="http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/02/opinion/02friedman.html"><font
color="#810081">this gem</font></a> in the New York Times, we
prevailed on Thomas Friedman to provide us with a part two. And here it
is.</em></p>
<p>Future historians will long puzzle over how I was given an
international platform to freely pontificate on the Arab people and be
remunerated handsomely for it. It is true that I am not the only person
in the world who formulates dubious theories based on scant or no
evidence which I then harangue people with. Other people do it. They
are called taxi drivers. But they are not as rich as me and haven’t
been awarded three Pulitizer Prizes.</p>
<p>Since I’ve been here in Egypt I’ve been putting together a list of
“the-absolutely-irrelevant forces” that have captured the captive Arab
mind and ignited the simmering coals of the instant garden BBQ that is
the Middle East. You might ask why, since I am in Egypt, I don’t ask an
Egyptian – possibly two Egyptians – about what inspired them to
completely ignore my theories on the Arab peoples and take to the
streets. The answer is this: I am Thomas Friedman and I write a column
in the New York Times.</p>
<p>I started my last extremely important column with an introduction
in which I listed tyranny, rising food prices, youth unemployment and
social media as the “big causes”. Rather than just stop there, I did a
Google “surprise me” search and chose five of the random results for my
special “mix of forces” which inspired the Arab mass revolts. These
included Barack Obama, Google Earth and the Beijing Olympics.</p>
<p>But there are other critical factors integral to an understanding
of my bollocks theory on the Middle East. Here they are:</p>
<p><strong>MY MOUSTACHE</strong> – Americans have never really
appreciated what a radical thing I did in growing a moustache, long the
symbol of Arab male virility. I’m convinced that when Arab men catch a
glimpse of my moustache as they bring me my breakfast in my hotel they
are inspired and say to themselves: “Hmmm. Let’s see. He’s middle-aged.
I’m middle-aged. He’s slightly tanned. I’m roughly the same colour. His
name is Thomas. My name is Hussein. He is a prick. I sometimes act like
a prick. He is not president of the United States. I am not president
of the United States. Lincoln is the capital of Nebraska. Water boils
at 100 degrees centigrade. He has a moustache. I have a moustache. Both
our moustaches have no voice in my future”. I’d put that in my special
mix of hallucinogenic drugs and ingest it.</p>
<p><strong>HOME SHOPPING NETWORK.com</strong> – While Facebook has
gotten all the face time in Egypt, Tunisia and Bahrain, don’t forget
the Home Shopping Network which has never been particularly relevant to
any Arab state but let’s shoehorn it in anyway. A big issue in Bahrain-
particularly among nobody at all – has been access to home solutions.
On Nov. 27 2006, the Washington Post ran this report from there:
“Mahmoud, who lives in a house with his parents, 97 siblings and their
uncountable number of children, said he became even more frustrated
when he looked up the Home Shopping Network and saw huge numbers of
spring cleaning ideas for the home. ‘We are 1798 people crowded into
one small house, like many people in the southern district,’ he said.
‘And you see on Home Shopping Network how they have the best solutions
for mess and free shipping.’ Bahraini activists have encouraged people
to take a look at the crafts section of the website, which has $5
shipping on Cricut machines.</p>
<p><strong>ISRAEL</strong> – The Arab TV network Al Jazeera has a big
team covering Israel today. They frequently report Israeli incursions
on Palestinian towns, illegal settlements on Palestinian land, Israeli
killings, torture and illegal detention of Palestinians as well as
Israel’s continual transgression of international law. I will ignore
this and focus on a few incidents of domestic housekeeping (and include
a completely irrelevant reference to Google maps!) in order to prop up
my theory and ignore the fact that if Egyptians are in any way inspired
by anything that happens in Israel, it is their ability to identify
with Israeli oppression of the Palestinians. When you write a column
for the New York Times and your name is Thomas Friedman, well, that’s
what you do.</p>
<p><strong>THE COOPER’S HILL CHEESE-ROLLING AND WAKE NEAR GLOUCESTER</strong>
– Gloucester and Egypt both have G in their names. Today Gloucester is
the host of this event and Egypt is still living on foreign aid. What
do you think Egyptians thought when they watched the dazzling opening
ceremony of the 2008 Cheese-Rolling competition? It was another wake-up
call – “in a way that America or the West could never be” – telling
young Egyptians that something was very wrong with their supermarkets,
argues Whata Loadofbollox, who teaches recreational pot pourri mixing.</p>
<p><strong>THE MUBARAK FACTOR</strong> – Former Egyptian president
Hosny Mubarak introduced a new form of government thirty years ago,
something I, and others, have dubbed “enlightened Western-friendly
leader” and others call “oppressive, corrupt dictator in bed with the
West”. It says: judge me on my foreign policy towards Israel, not how I
treat my own people. Every Arab could relate to this. Chinese had to
give up freedom but got economic growth and decent government in
return. Arabs had to give up freedom and got the Arab-Israeli conflict
and my columns and books in return.</p>
<p>Add it all up and what does it say? It says you have a major US
newspaper whose editor either has low standards or is taking
backhanders so that my stuff gets published. It says that I am a huge,
pompous twat. And it says that the difference between a good day a bad
day for informed New York Times readers will continue to hinge on
whether they open the opinion section and see my face staring out
smugly at them.</p>
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