[Newspoetry] 100% poem

[auntbarb at shout.net]

Howdy folks!  Here is a poem, along with the new email address, which is
auntbarb at onthejob.net.  Ok.  Here's your poem.



				Statistics
	In a recent poll, 100% of university students believed that it was
important for them to eat, drink, sleep, and perform other bodily
functions.  Some 47% remembered that they had eaten a meal in the last few
hours, but only 56% recalled breathing recently.  13% of those polled said
they were Republicans, 18% said they were Democrats, 25% of those polled
said that they were from outer space, 38% said they had no political
affiliation, 37% were apathetic, 17.6% reported inertia, and 2% know a
seeing-eye dog on a first-name basis.  45% of polled Republicans, 35% of
polled independents, and 97% of  those knowing a seeing-eye dog were aware
that they had to sometimes visit the bathroom, while 47% of the inert, 67%
of the space aliens, and 30% of the unaffiliated enjoyed "sophisticated"
bathroom reading. 10% of all polled said that they might not recognize
Richard Nixon without postmortem reconstructive surgery.  57% believed
that Richard Nixon could be reconstructed with DNA and some computer
parts, although they questioned the wisdom of such a move.  In the other
corner, 83% found the existence of the technology to be impossible, but
thought that this resurrection should be done "for the sake of the
country." 5% of those polled had no belief in a higher purpose, while the
other 5% couldn't tell a double helix from Wonderbreadâ.  45% of all
respondents prefer "the shakes," while 55% prefer "the heebee jeebees."
234% of those 55% felt that the next presidential race should include bear
wrestling, while 546% of the aforementioned thought that to be "a bit
extreme" and "unnecessary."  51% found that they were turning into
percents even as they spoke on the phone, while .08% refused a
"Moose-through-the-mail" offer.  49%, 75%, and 91% found themselves to be
in cahoots with 11%, 2%, and 97.3%.  56% of all percents got tired of
waiting for the train, 34% of all percents haven't got a clue as to who is
in the White House, and 97% of all percents change their oil with less
infrequency every single year.  999% of all percents claim that this poem
has stopped making sense, and 89% of the poem itself agrees.

-Anne