[Newspoetry] Alien Planet Just Right for Colonization...Except for Pesky Aliens

[Bill Wendling]

	Alien Planet Open for Colonization Except for Pesky Aliens

American Association of Poets -- Space...The final frontier! Or should it
be? A widening group of scientists are of the opinion that taking over
the planet "Vulcan" (named after the popular sci-fi "TV" show Star Trek)
may be a bad idea. 

"These people were really nice to us when we first encountered them. They
freely gave of what they had," says Dr. Fleem of Carnegie Mellon. "Now,
they are virtual slaves."

Why are they slaves? "Well, they are godless heathens, for one! They
don't understand the concept of God, which, of course, only a higher form
of life can comprehend," explained Colonel Unger of NASA. "We are trying
to convert them to our religion, but they will never quite be human,
since God never revealed Himself to them directly...an obvious sign that
they are not as highly evolved as we are."

Many aliens of the planet "Vulcan" who are resistant to the idea of
religion are used to work on space vehicle repairs. They live in
comfortable rooms while they do, though it is possible to fit several of
them into a space which could only occupy one human. They receive audio
transmissions of Biblical teaching while they work through their
headsets.

"For those most resistant to the teachings of religion, we've found that
euthenasia is the best cure. It's very unfortunate, but it is much
preferable to allowing them to live out their lives in a lie," Colonel
Unger said. "Besides, the aliens are unable to feel pain like we higher
evolved humans do. Most of our scientists even go so far to say that they
don't have the sense of touch!"

The aliens, whose language we've never mastered, are also taught English
to facilitate communication.

"This is a rather difficult task, actually," said Dr. Brethal, linguist
at MIT. "We are unsure of how they communicated before. Their vocal
cords, or what we assume are their vocal cords, have seemed to atrophy
over their evolution. Not to mention the enormous issue of two completely
unrelated cultures trying to find some similaries between the two in
order to build up a communication channel."

"We've found torture to be the best method of getting them to speak, or
should I say 'squeak,' our language," Unger elaborates. "They are
reticent to speak our language as they act like it's causing them pain,
which, of course, is ridiculous."

When asked about the alien's apparent lack of communication facilities
and their wonderful acheivements: architecturally beautiful spires
reaching to the heavens, "songs" which are played on instruments, etc.,
Colonel Unger said, "Well, they seem very good in artistic pursuits, but
that's really neither here nor there. Their lack of communication
abilities coupled with their total lack of a religious base would nullify
these achievements."

Leading religious leaders and congresspeople on Earth advocate extending
the concept of "Eminent Domain" to extend to godless places off of Earth.

"The Lord God Almightly blessed Earth and ONLY Earth with his only Son,
our Lord Jesus Christ. He also send His Holy Spirit. All Three of which
make up One God. We followed His commandment to be fruitful and multiply.
We've multiplied so much that the Earth which He lovingly gave us is
quickly becoming unlivable. It's perfectly reasonable to look upon other
heavenly bodies, which our Lord hand-crafted, to live. They are ours to
subjugate!" announced Rep. Harold Mark.

As a result, funding for colonization ships to the planet Vulcan are
being debated in Congress.

When asked about the aliens actually living on this planet, Rep. Mark
said, "They are in the way of our God given right to multiply and
conquer new lands. They are godless heathens. Those who are useful to us
will become our 'helpers' in creating new societies. Those who oppose us
will need to be dealt with in harsher ways."

The alien planet, Vulcan, was discovered 50 years ago. The people of the
planet welcomed the astronauts with large feasts and great hospitality.
With their help, the astronauts were able to repair their ships. They
traded various trinkets with the aliens in exchange for seemingly
wonderful pieces of artwork and craftsmanship.

-- 
|| Bill Wendling			wendling at ganymede.isdn.uiuc.edu