[Newspoetry] Presidential Seat Runs For Itself!

[Sam Markewich 2]

MCCAIN, BUSH, DOLE, BRADLEY COME IN LAST IN PRIMARIES.  ALL CANDIDATES
DROP OUT.  PRESIDENTIAL SEAT OPEN AND RUNNING -- FOR ITSELF!

	Dateline 3oth February, 2000.  Philippine Islands.  (Dissociated Press,
Associated Poets reporter Sam "Skip" Markewich).  During the early
morning hours of Wednesday February 30th the United States Coast Guard's
special force, the FUCK Euclidean, or, Ferocious Under-Coastal Karate
Euclideans attempted to take the Philippine Islands back for the U.S. 
The FUCK Euclidean are a highly specialized elite force trained in the
ways and means of fractal geometric underwater Karate.  Top sources in
the Pentagon indicate that this special non-Euclidean Karate has unique
applications in predicting whose ass will get blown up during the chaos
of a coastal attack such as that attempted by the Coast Guard's special
forces.  The attack on the Philippines was led by a brigade of
conservative wives of male politicians, who carried banners which read,
"To hell with the night, take back the Philippines!".  Following the
attack, Author James Glick immediately wrote a book on its fascinating
and deeply relevant history entitled "Putting All Those Guys on
Pedestals: the New Science of Not Knowing What the Significance of
Something Is and How to Mass Market it to Pseudo-Profound Composers and
Postmodernists."  Commenting on the attack later at a book release,
Glick stated he was particularly impressed by the bold individualism of
all the citizens of the Philippines who changed their days to a little
over 27 hour-long cycles and fled to the desert in order to avoid being
"bombed to shit" by the invading U.S. troops.
	The attack was planned following the conclusion of the final U.S.
presidential primaries, which took place in Iraq, Cuba, Haiti, Puerto
Rico, Vietnam, Chiapis, Julia Butterfly's Redwood Tree, Malcolm X's
grave, Seattle, and Noam Chomsky's head.  It was found after the
election results were tallied that none of the four candidates had
rallied enough electoral votes to go on to run for the presidential
seat.  Hearing this news, all third-party and independent candidates
promptly dropped out of the race to celebrate the demise of the
presidential seat.  However, a CIA leak reports that the Agency was
determined to find someone somewhere to vote one of the four major party
candidates into the presidency in order that it would still have a boss.
 Insiders in the Intelligence Agency report that the CIA came up with
"Operation Bomb The Shit Out Of An Inferior Race Of Low-Wage Workers And
Impose Martial Law On Its Ass Until It Votes For One Of Us" in hopes
that the Philippine's might supply the needed two-thirds vote to impeach
Nixon . . . er . . . I mean . . . the needed votes to bring two
mainstream U.S. candidates into competition for the presidential seat. 
However, a tiny miscalculation in Dr. Bronner's Secret Formula, one of
the central non-linear equations of Chaos Theory, caused the FUCK
Euclideans force to swim five feet too far, bringing them to come up on
the under-chassis of the main Philippine Island rather than around the
perimeter of its coastline.  The special force's members banged their
heads on the bottom of the island, forgot their mission and migrated
south with ducks.  The brigade of conservative wives of male politicians
got scared, not knowing what to do without strong men behind them, and
the entire operation failed.
	In the wake of the failure, the presidential seat itself held a press
conference to announce that it would run for the presidential seat
itself.  Immediately before the press conference reporters were given
special pills to keep their minds from being blown by the cybernetic
weight of the announcement by the presidential seat.  The seat said, "I
have chosen to run for election to the post of myself to show America
and Americans that the voting public needs me as World leader, even, and
especially, at a time when American moral fiber has unraveled to the
point that voters choose no one to run for president.  It is the highest
responsibility of the presidential seat to keep itself at the hub,
steering this great country ever further into the waters of the world
over, especially when all of the passengers have jumped ship."  In
closing, the presidential seat appealed to the common American worker,
stating, "It's as if the American public has been given life boats that
just seem to keep filling up with water because the corks keep popping
out.  Well, I'm gonna' give the cork back to the voices of America!"
	In a Rotoreuters News pole immediately following the speech, 50% of
those poled yawned, while 50% said diarrhea concerned them more than the
presidency.  The presidential seat will be touring rural Alaska starting
next week in search of voters who still care.