[Newspoetry] Landmark Landslide Compromise

[Sam Markewich 2]

Dissociated Press Release (Associated Poets) Dateline Washington D.C.  In a
landmark landslide compromise the U.S. congress passed a landfall bill making
marriage between bi-sexual men and women legal today.  Republican
Congresswoman Mia Sitches and radical middle liberalist guerilla's worked out
the bill over the past several weeks in hiding in Abraham Lincoln's anus,
which had been secretly carved into Mt. Rushmoore as a covert meeting nook at
the time of the completion of the sculpture-esque, mountainous
sculpture-within-a-mountain-within-time-itself.  "Unlike homosexuals,
bi-sexuals," said the Congresswoman, "are at least fifty percent straight, and
I think as long as they marry the opposite sex they're as good as
one-hundred-and-fifty percent straight in the eyes of God and/or the American
people."  And an unidentified androgenous-yet-fully-male-in-every-way
spokesman for the radical middle liberalist guerrillas added, "The important
point for us is that, in the spirit of the compromise of who we are that this
country was built on, we have all finally come around to recognizing that
there's some humanity in everyone.  Even if it's only fifty percent, that's
fifty percent more than before the bill."  Homosexual marriages still remain
outlawed in all states but possibly Vermont, but many gay and lesbian rights
activists are hopeful that with this new air of compromise underway gays and
lesbians may soon at least win the right to squabble over common relationship
issues, and the right to marry may follow not too far behind.  While there
seems to be general agreement within both the House and Senate, some
Congressional leaders fear that this compromise will open a flood gate.  A
group of conservative Senate minority leaders has put together a counter bill
that would make marriage illegal for everyone.  The bill, however, calls for a
provission that anyone who has divorced in the last twenty-five years would
have to re-marry, hence effectively making legal only heterosexual marriages
in which one or both spouses finds the marriage unsatisfactory.  A spokeswoman
for the Lavender Law Collective, a lesbian legal action group, replied with
overall support for this counterbill stating, "I see no contradiction between
the compromise bill and the counter bill.  The compromise bill recognizes
fifty percent of every bi-sexual person as fully half human, while the counter
bill seems to go one further by focussing marrital discontent  *within* a
marriage rather than *between* marriages as is now the case where all the
heteros are so discontent with the thought of possible marriages of
homosexuals that they ignore the discontent within their own marriages.  The
second bill would force them to live with that discontent for a very long
time."  Both bills will be voted on in the House tomorrow.