[Newspoetry] Poeme

[auntbarb at onthejob.net]

You Need Expensive Stuff!

	And now a word from You Need Expensive Stuff! and its parent
company Krapco, Inc.  You Need Expensive Stuff! Is proud to announce its
new line, Practical Gifts For The Extremely Wealthy.  Heres a look at
their new Winter Collection, neoteric gadgets and gear for fashionable
comfort in severe weather.  

	Anti-Frostbite Make-Up lets you look good, and keep for facial
features intact and protected from frostbite.  Made of pliable space-age
polymers, this line of make-up protects from severe weather while enduring
temperatures of 10 F and lower.  Protects face from severe wind and cold
while allowing you to defy the weather with pride and confidence.  Base
make-up protects whole face while lipstick, rouge, and eyeliner accent
delicate features while adding protection.  Starter package starts at
$5000.

	Tired of sitting on a frigid toilet seat in public rest rooms?
Then try our new Tush Warmer! Runs on 4,000 AAA batteries, and can be used
anywhere.  Comes in 15 exciting colors, 13 patterns, and 10 comfortable
textures, including fine leather and mink.  Basic Tush Warmer starts at
$6,500.  Mink Tush Warmer starts at $17,000. 

	Tired of having a cold nose while participating in your favorite
wintertime activities?  Then try our new Mini Internal Combustion Engine
Facial Warmer!	  This handy device gently blows warm air onto the parts
of your face that need it most.  Comes either as a headset or an
attractive eyeglass attachment, fashionably embedded with precious gems.
Starts at $8000.

	Men, does your beard freeze in cold weather?  Then try our new
Nuclear Powered Beard Defroster For Men.  Runs on tiny nuclear reactor to
warm you beard; attaches to base of beard, yet is specifically designed
not to pull on facial hair.  Comes in lead-lined case for your protection.
The cost to you?  Only $20,000!

	Do you want to enjoy outdoor weather, but find that you just dont
have the stamina for it?  Find that the wind is just too much?  Why not
try shrink-wrapping yourself in our new, comfortable Breathable Plastic
Body Suit?  Simply step into the Body Cast , before putting on your
outdoor clothing, and let it coat you in velvety, supple plastic.  Keeps
out all drafts, yet allows for human respiration.  Be the envy of all
those poor saps in lower tax brackets who have to shrink wrap just their
windows.  Basic package starts at $45,000.

	Finally, here are a few of the up-and-coming products that will be
ready for release in March.  Place your order early!
	Driving Gloves with special Nuclear Reaction Lining.  
	Your Own Personal Yeti
	Self-Heating Cosmetic Implants
	Microwavable Golf Tees for winter fun
	Titanium Core Fission Toothpicks
			and
	Electric Thumb Screws

	The Practical Gifts line is available through mail order at
1-800-BUY-MORE, and is available on the World Wide Web at
www.youneedmoreuselessexpensivekrap.com
treat yourself to some luxurious personal warming gadgets today!  Because
if youre extremely wealthy, you can afford anything.