[Newspoetry] (no subject)

[Dirk Stratton]

During his recent Asian tour, President Clinton inadvertently 
revealed the existence of a new type of weapon of mass destruction, 
the muclear bomb. While such weapons had been rumored to exist, 
official denials had been successful in stifling further inquiries 
until Clinton let the cat out of the bag (or, in his case, the 
dachshund out of his trousers). Even when given the opportunity to 
"correct" himself, to pretend that he had meant to say "nuclear," the 
President admitted, in a moment of stunning candor few thought him 
capable of achieving, that he was, in fact, deeply concerned about 
the reports that many Third World nations, too poor to support 
full-fledged nuclear weapons development, had instead begun 
researching the feasibility of creating a muclear bomb. When asked 
what exactly a muclear bomb was, the President continued telling the 
truth, much to the consternation of several members of his staff, 
some of whom actually fainted and had to be taken to a nearby 
hospital. "A muclear bomb," the President explained, "is a terrifying 
device that when detonated produces incomprehensibly vast amounts of 
yellow-green, slimy, icky, retch-inducing mucous that would 
incapacitate any area even close to the blast zone. Imagine, if you 
dare, an uncovered sneeze from your chronically ill and 
allergy-plagued Uncle Rube that sprays spit and snot everywhere and 
leaves a huge foot-long booger dangling from his chafed red nostril 
and then multiply that repugnant scenario by a factor of, say, 
several trillion and you'll have just an inkling of the horrors that 
await us if this muclear technology ever reaches fruition and is used 
by some unscrupulous terrorist state." The President was then asked 
by one gagging journalist whether there was any known defense against 
a muclear attack. "Unfortunately," the President replied, 
"preliminary research into the possibility of converting the still 
unreliable Star Wars technology into some sort of pre-emptive 
Hankerchief Defense Perimeter, has not been encouraging. 
Antihistamine missiles have also been disappointing." Asked whether 
the United States was currently working on a muclear bomb, the 
President would only say, "I have no comment on that, except to 
remind you that it has always been this government's policy to never 
be the only country caught with its hanky at the cleaners, or, in my 
case, with my weinerschnitzel far from its sauerkraut. Muclear bombs 
must be banned. Now."


Newspoets:
hope the .jpegs come thru. This glaring headline typo actually 
appeared in the Cincinnati Post about a week ago.
Joe, I sent the whole newstory just to document the authenticity, but 
maybe you can use the actual headline (citing the Post?) as the 
headline for the newspoem.
--Dirk
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