[Newspoetry] free beer is still available

[Joe Futrelle]

Newspoetry Chief: Free Beer "Still Available"
 Poetry Slowdown Continues

Urbana, IL (Associated Poets)

Newspoetry editor-in-chief Joe Futrelle continued to call for
increased production of Newspoetry as downloads continued to exceed
the latest production estimates.  Analysts expressed concern today
that the closely-guarded Newspoetry reserves will be rapidly depleted
if called upon to close the growing deficit.

Futrelle, who acquired Newspoetry under strict austerity measures
requiring the elimination of defecit-content-provision, has announced
a plan to bring production into line with commercial prose
production.  Put simply, his plan is to offer would-be newspoets what
he calls "free beer".

"Free beer is newspoetry's 21st-century business model", Futrelle
explained at a luncheon attended by delegates of the World Content
Organization.  "By eliminating consumer end-prices for beer,
contingent on newspoetry production, we hope to ignite a groundswell
of wildfire, which will spread to the far corners of this country like
molten salt, beating our plowshares into HTML."

"Already we've seen modest increases in Newspoetry production as a
result of our beer-for-poetry plan," he assured the skeptical crowd,
who seemed to prefer their complimentary Chardonnay, "but don't let
the modesty of these increases fool you.  By the end of May, we'll all
be so shitfaced that the only poems we'll be able to write will be
limericks that don't rhyme on the subject of foul-smelling bodily
functions."

Futrelle's sharpest critics are those who have yet to receive their
free beer.  Implementation of Futrelle's plan has been hindered by
what he describes as "contingencies", which include "woodworking",
"dog acquisition", and "reading".  William, Wendy, Your Aunt Barbara,
Nick, Rick, and one Andrew Hurt -- a group known as Complimentary
Beverage Justice for All -- have issued strong statements condemning
Futrelle's program as nothing but "rhetorical bombast".  The CBJA's
lawyers are reportedly in contact with several daytime talk show
hosts, though the contact so far reportedly consists simply of them
observing the hosts' television programs between trips to the
refrigerator.  Futrelle insists that he'll get around to purchasing
said beer "any day now", but it seems likely that by now any action he
takes will come to be seen as a victory for the CBJA.

Free beer or no, the Newspoetry drought continues, and it appears that
unless Futrelle's business model starts working, he's going to have
little choice than to write poetry himself, and buy himself root beer.