[Newspoetry] Pentagon Proposes Stupid, Money-Wasting Defense System

[Anne Bargar]

Pentagon Proposes Stupid, Money-Wasting Defense System
"We're not surprised," Russian Leaders Claim

AP(Associated poets)  Today, the Clinton Administration announced plans to
build a $1,000,000,000 nuclear defense system the would defend the
American people against "heavy-impact mammalian weather," more commonly
known as "raining cats and dogs."
	"We see this as a potentially serious situation; can you imagine
the horror of dogs and cats hitting and splattering all over the ground in
a thunderstorm?  Can you imagine the screams of horror at the sight of
animal guts and other bits scattered all over the ground?  This is exactly
the kind of threat against which we have been inexcusably lax, and we
intend to get tough aginst all forms of heavy-impact mammalian weather.  
We simply must be prepared to shoot these animals down with massive
nuclear weapons in case they start fallin on us," a senior pentagon
official was quoted as saying.
	Top Russian officials have stated that this proposed nuclear
defense system violates every treaty the United States and Russia have
ever signed.  "Not only is this a treaty violation, it's just plain
stupid," the Russian Defense Minister was quoted as saying.  "It just
doesn't rain cats and dogs.  It never has rained cats and dogs, and it
never will rain cats and dogs.  This is simply another example of the US
trying to find an excuse to build another pointless nuclear defense
system.  We are reminded of the Great Banana Cream Pie Scheme of 1994, and
the Lethal Clown Nose From Space fear of 1985."
	"Just because it has never rained cats and dogs doesn't mean  that
it never will," the Pentagon responded.  We have to protect the American
People against every threat, no matter how theoretical it is.  Can you
imagine the outcry if people started getting hit over the head by a
120-pound Great Dane during a tornado?"
	Top Russian Officials have simply laughed at the plan.  "You can
not hit an animal falling at the velocity that a 120 pound dog would with
a nuclear warhead.  Warheads simply aren't that precise.  Is this
really appropriate?  'Raining cats and dogs' is nothing more than a stupid
English metaphor, not an impending threat."
	To top it off, people who bothered to respond to an internet poll
overwhelmingly responded that, "This is the stupidest thing I have ever
heard."  Only about a dozen respondents answered, "Huh?"

-babz