[Newspoetry] Why Professional Baseball Sucks and How To Fix It

[Andrew & Barbara Hurt]

Major League Baseball Sucks.
It sucks because the players make too much
money.

It sucks because the players scratch their balls in front of little kids
and because baseball was America's pasttime for so long I have come to
the conclusion that this is the reason I cannot
go five minutes without scratching my balls.

It sucks because games last too long and this is
because it has become a grossly offensive game. Of course, I
mean offense as the opposite of defense.
I mean, some of players are offensive as well, don't
misunderstand me. I'm talking about the players who
urinate on the field in plain view of the spectators and then
those other players who on occasion hurl their feces at a
small child who at the time is expecting a baseball.

And finally, it sucks due to the fact that sometimes, right in the
middle of a game,
some "ball" players feel it necessary to engage in
gratuitous acts of sex which really makes the games last too long
but oddly enough, the ballpark frank sales really take off. ( I would
like to
apologize for that last remark, in reality, hot dog sales stay
remarkably
even during these acts. )

We can fix the game by eliminating everything but the fecal tossing.
What child
doesn't really get excited at the prospect of adding to his or her
collection of professional poo. Why, I still have mine although at times
my mother
and my wife has tried to toss it out with the garbage. Silly women!

One day I hope to hand the tradition off to my own children and then
several
more years down the line it will be worth a lot of money.

What was my wife thinking?

Andrew Hurt