[Newspoetry] text

[Anne Bargar]

Local Politician Running For Statewide Office Fails To Tip Coffee Shop
Employee

AP (Associated Poets) Urbana, IL

The mayor of Urbana failed to tip me.

Statisically speaking, coffee shop employees are not considered much of a
constituency.  We are perpetually broke and are therefore not likely to 
contribute to political campaigns.   What money we do have, we hoard,
spending it one such useless things as rent, heat, food, and used books.
Thus, statistically speaking, we are not a group that any politician is
likely to get a contribution from.  This excludes us, as a class, from
focus group participation and courting by pollsters.

Statistically speaking, some constitiuencies are more valuble than others. 
This makes little sense, since in the end it costs a lot less
to maintain several hundred $5 constituents than it does to maintain 1
$100,000 constituent.  Statistically speaking, democratic candidates like
to champion the $5 constituents, and not tipping someone can be seen as a
mere "oversight."  And, statistcally speaking, I am not, nor have I ever
been, the most pleasent person to order coffee from first thing in the
morning.  Or at any other time, for that matter.  Quite frankly, I
love the fact that a lot of our regulars get their own damn paper
cup and leave the money on the counter.  Makes my life a lot easier.  So
maybe that's why I feel a bit miffed when I go out of my way to actually
ask if you want the damn cinnamon roll heated up, and you don't notice
that I'm not actively growling at you.
  
Statistcally speaking, not a whole lot of people tip, so it is kind of
unfair to pick on poor Tod so much.  But none of them are running for
public office, and he is.   He's offered himself up for level of
scrutiny that he might not deserve otherwise.  Supporting the standard 
liberal causes is, well, standard and dull.  And that whole 1.5
mayoral terms actually served thing... I'd be scratching my beard if I had
one. 

So here's my advice.

You can act on your liberal ideals AND show that you care about the
members of your community by leaving a fifty cent tip for your local
coffee shop employee.  Particularly when they gave you actual butter (upon
request, mind you!) for that damned roll, instead of making you eat
reconstitued butter-flavor hydrogenated soybean oil like everyone else.     

-Babs