[Newspoetry] The "Chief"-A Macho Man

[Mike Lehman]

I hope that Newspoetry doesn't mind the cross-post from the U-C IMC and
(possibly) a lengthy letter to the editor or a column (if I get real
lucky) in the Daily Illini.
Mike

The "Chief"-A Macho Man

Just in time for the start of school, what appeared in my mailbox but a
slick, "Honor the Chief" brochure. No stamp or bulk mail permit, someone
just stuck it in my mailbox, so I guess some traditions are best honored
by breaking the law, never mind the abuse of another people’s traditions
that is implicit in the appropriation of the image of Native Americans.

Promoted like any other commodity for profit, the brochure illustrates
the clueless nature of the Chief’s supporters as they try to
differentiate him from the athletic mascots that he most closely
resembles. Taking pains to state that he is far more than a mascot, the
brochure finally explained to me what the basis for this differentiation
actually is, and it might (or might not) surprise you.

On the third page into the advertisement, we come to "Illiniwek". Here
we find the emphasis is on the Chief as a man. That’s right, the thing
that makes the Chief more than a mascot is the fact that he is
anatomically correct, that he has a penis swinging between his legs. Not
that there’s anything wrong with that. The writer has the same
equipment, but he has never styled himself as an Native American chief
and wonders about the insecurity complexes that must plague those who
are so arrested in their development that they can think of little
except the Chief and his all-important penis.

I am unsure exactly why the Chief’s penis is so important. It certainly
isn’t explained in the article. My feminist friends say it is simply
another example of patriarchy. They may be right, for there is no
explanation about the Princesses of the Illini used to cheer on the
teams during WWII when all of our manhood was off fighting a war. These
women most likely had no penis, so it is hard to see how the student
body even "got up" for a game in that time frame, yet it is known that
UI teams won at least some of those games. Still, women are not totally
ignored by this fellow with a penis, as they are advised to "honor" him,
just as they are often chided to honor their husbands in primitive forms
of marriage vows.

Gay friends contend that the whole penis ideation reflects the
suppressed homosexuality of the entire football milieu. Having quit the
team after two days back in ninth grade, I have no personal knowledge of
this scene, so I have to believe they might be onto something,
considering the penis thing is so important to the Chief.

As a student at the University of Illinois in the Twenty-first Century,
I am deeply troubled that certain alumni feel it is so important to
cling to this racist mascot. We have mostly put such "traditions" as the
Ku Klux Klan, minstrel shows, public hangings, and vigilantes behind us
in the last century, but some people just can’t let go of the Chief and
his penis.

I, too, hope our athletes display the Right Stuff so that they have a
successful season that satisfies their aspirations. I can’t help but
believe that our female athletes have no need for a penis to help them
win. I assume that our male athletes already come equipped with whatever
penis God meant them to need, barring any unfortunate accidents or
diseases. Let’s let them compete as they are and not burden them with
the regrettable, racist legacy of the "Chief" any longer. The Chief
should go, maybe with a statue to memorialize his history. It’s OK with
me if the statue is anatomically correct, as long as he is retired to
rest in one place.

Mike Lehman
Junior, LAS