[Newspoetry] NYTimes.com Article: Yo, Sparky. Yeah, You Know Who You Are.

[brcooper at uiuc.edu]

This article from NYTimes.com 
has been sent to you by brcooper at uiuc.edu.

Parody wouldn't be any funnier than the truth in this article from the NYT. So newspoets--do your worst...
Bethany "taney" Cooper


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Yo, Sparky. Yeah, You Know Who You Are.

February 18, 2001

By BRUCE MCCALL

INSIDERS are admitting that President George W. Bush's penchant for
bestowing his own nicknames on close associates has provoked the
first crisis of his new administration. 

 "Internal communications are in turmoil," confesses a high-ranking
Bush aide known as Frenchy, though he doesn't know why. "The
president says get me Knuckles on the line, or where's The Eskimo,
or let Bones and uptown handle this," he laments, "and nobody has a
clue as to who he's talking about."

 Vice President Dick Cheney, a seasoned Bush handler, refuses to
confirm or deny reports that he plans an internal White House
telephone hot line where senior advisors, cabinet members and
others can call in to find out their current presidential nicknames
and those of their colleagues.

 But knowing who's actually who among themselves has become a
high-stakes guessing game for the Bush team members — as was
underscored by a recent trip to Kansas City by a bewildered
secretary of state, Gen. Colin L. Powell.

 The president had ordered that Bullets be sent to represent the
administration at a town meeting on farm subsidies. Assuming
Bullets to be Mr. Bush's informal name for the only ex-military
figure among his top aides, a member of the White House staff
conveyed the word to General Powell. He was halfway to Kansas City
aboard Air Force One before the goof was revealed: Bullets is the
president's nickname for the secretary of agriculture, Ann M.
Veneman. Mr. Bush's response to the snafu was quoted as, "Why for
heck's sake would I send Balloonfoot to do Bullet's job?" 

 The first lady herself is reported to be "baffled" by her
husband's nickname for her. "I hung up five times yesterday when he
called to ask what was for dinner," said a flustered Laura Bush. "I
thought it was a wrong number when the guy kept asking for
Stretch."

 Meanwhile, President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia is reportedly
both baffled and incensed that on his first call to the new
American president, Mr. Bush addressed him not as Mr. President or
Mr. Putin but Ostrich Legs.

 Mr. Cheney, who is said to believe his own Bush nickname to be
either Hopalong or Crash-Dive (signed presidential memos evidently
differ), has reportedly come to dread full cabinet meetings. "When
George W. starts with the `Good morning, Skeezix' and `Let's ask
The Undertaker," says one cabinet member, who thinks he himself may
be Spinach Man, "they all look over at Dick for help, and he's as
lost as they are. And if Dick doesn't know who the president's
talking to, who does?"

 A White House nickname hot line, should Mr. Cheney set one up,
would be helpful but no panacea. High- ranking administration
officials are still likely to refuse the call when their
secretaries announce it's The Pecos Kid for Snooky. Foreign leaders
beyond nickname-hot- line range will surely bridle at being called
Nine Pin or Hound Dog by a fellow head of state.

 And what of Mr. Bush's intimate circle? One old friend returned as
Not Known At This Address a 50- pound shipment of Texas barbecue
beef bearing the presidential seal, addressed to "The Big Goober."
His name is Darryl.

 Compounding the confusion is Mr. Bush's creativity with
sobriquets, verging on free association. 

 "His nickname style isn't anything you can decode," points out a
close observer known only as Four- Eyes. "Like, say, calling tall
guys Shorty and right- handers Lefty. Why is Attorney General John
Ashcroft Snake Hips — or is that Rumsfeld? No, he's Pistol Pete.
Wait a minute, maybe Rumsfeld is Chickenman and Pistol Pete is
Christie Whitman. Aw, I give up."

 Asked by reporters about the impending nickname hot-line project,
the president himself expressed surprise at the idea and said he
had no information he was aware of.

 "For that," he replied, "You'd have to talk to Stilts." 
       



http://www.nytimes.com/2001/02/18/weekinreview/18MCCA.html?ex=983515291&ei=1&en=7465802c0a0761c0

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