[Newspoetry] Thank God for Texas

[Scott Rettberg]

Thank God for Texas

I don't know about guys
but I'm glad that Dubya
has led Texas to the Washington D.C.
America is a bigger country now
that it's the lone star state
that owns the whole kit and
kaboodle.

Sure you newspoets were
wrapped up in the Internet
Boom that went kaput but a
lot of us remember fondly
the days when Oil was King
Big Oil, American Oil, Greasy
Oil that flows through your
fingers like meatjuice and
barbecue sauce off a spare
rib, and this is a good thing
for Oil. I mean come on, we
had real heroes back then, in
the good old eighties, don't
you remember Dallas? That
show rocked. Screw reality
TV, let's bring back night-
time soaps about things
that matter, like Oil. Those
were the days.

And then the
well dried up and a lot of
you forgot about Texas for
a very long time. Even when
senior was in office, you
spent more time thinking about
Yale and the CIA than Texas.

Our president-elect was never
smart enough to run the CIA
but he was smart enough to
run the Texas Rangers and go
for long walks with Nolan Ryan
and he knows that guy with the
Texas Kung-Fu. Have you ever
tried Chicken-Fried Steak?
Only in Texas would they come
up with the idea of chicken-
frying hamburger, and the whole
country is now going to have
access to that wisdom, and black
eyed peas.

Come on, that fella Bill was
smart, but face it, fellow
Americans, brains have gotten
this country no -- where fast.
There's more to being a Prez
than talking all smart and
getting your dick sucked.
Woodrow Wilson was a real smarty
pants and what did he get us?
League of Nations, oh swell.
Teddy Roosevelt was pretty dumb
by comparison. He gave us Teddy
Bears and stories of brave battles
in Cuba and the Bull Moose Party
and the whole line about the big
stick.

My fellow Americans, George W.
Bush is hip, man, he did lots
of cocaine and he got drunk
just like you and me.

Texas is a big and
great nation, you can
be thankful you're a
part of it now.

More great country
songs have come out
of Texas than
any other state in 
the Nation, it's 
where all my exes live,
it's where the Yellow
Rose is of, and they
were their own country
for a while. Remember
the Alamo. I hope
George takes the oath
in a coonskin cap, and
he's got that kind of
devil may care attitude
that he just may do it.
Don't you just love that
smile and nervous chuckle?

And I want to get 
serious now, because
George W. Bush is a
good man, he's a good
man, and that's what's
important. Let's talk
about how little killing
we've accomplished
domestically for the last
eight years or so, and
how much George can
do for us in that department.
You worried about
population control?
I got a good man
for you 
in a house
that's white.
A lot of people are
chicken-shit about the death
penalty, but George is
chicken-fried about it.

Great nations kill people,
they do this with great
haste and regularity.
Rome did it.
England did it.
All the great empires
liked to kill people
to show off how
powerful they were.
We can do that too,
and we will. 
Who needs the Russians?
Let's kill the people
who do mail fraud, and
things like that.
Let's execute people
who send email spam.
Let's come up with
a whole new roster of
Federal Capital Crimes,
and juice up the chair.
Freedom, responsibility,
prudent, rule of law,
cocaine, capitalism,
he's a good man, and
I'll tell you he's a
good man. Let me expand
on that -- I feel very
humble as I tell you
he's a good man, and
family, and the right
to bear concealed
weapons.

I thank God for
Texas and the
service they
have rendered us
and, Florida as
well, they forgave
him for going to Yale,
and you should too.

Don't call my
man shrub, for
he's a good man.