[Newspoetry] Cheney Working On Newspoetry Shortage Crisis

[Mike Lehman]

Washington, DC - Dissociated Poets
Vice President Dick Cheney was tasked by President George W. Bush today
with doing "something" about a national Newspoetry shortage. It was
reported that Cheney was a bit frightened about the assignment, but he
decided to take it on anyway. "I told the President that it will be
pretty tough on a guy with a bad ticker (in referring to his recent,
repeated rounds of heart problems.) Geez, have you seen some of the
things they say about Republicans?"

Public demand for Newspoetry seems to be forcing the White House hand,
whatever the implications for the future of the Republican Party it may
hold. Riots have broken out in Berkeley, CA due to Newspoetry rolling
blackouts. The National Guard has been put on alert in case the crisis
spreads to other western states. 

Reports from the East Coast indicate that Newspoetry stocks are
extremely limited, with many outlets having only a 24 hour supply of
Newspoetry on hand. Even in the great Midwest, home of Newspoetry's
founder William Gillespie, elevators report that farmers are entirely
bereft of supplies of fresh, green Newspoetry. "It's too damn early in
the season for fresh Newspoetry!" one crusty old farmer was heard to
say, uttering barely audible curses on the damn fool ways of
city-slickers under his breath.

Cheney first proposed drilling for more Newspoetry in a wildlife refuge
in Alaska, but then nixed that proposal when he found out that
Newspoetry flows too slowly at -70 below 0.

As an alternative, Cheney proposed that the government actually give
away ample supplies of "confiscated" cocaine, accidentally discovered in
the basement of the CIA by the President on a secret tour of secret
government party facilities in the DC area last weekend, in exchange for
Newspoetry. "The President said there was plenty left and that the CIA
would just get more dope anyway," Cheney mused, noting that if he didn't
stay away from the CIA-marching powder, he would be back in the hospital
by the weekend.

When informed that your average Newspoet mostly prefers Beck's beer and
the occasional doobie to anything strong enough to kill an elephant,
Cheney fumed that artists are "rarely happy about much of anything and
would just as soon slack off."

In one last move to increase the supply of Newspoetry, Cheney was said
to have offered to exchange accused Russian spy and former FBI agent
Robert Hanssen to the Russians for ten Russian Newspoems. Sources
indicate that the Russians aren't even being asked to translate the
Newspoems, which may lead to some problems with formatting servers and
search engines at Newspoetry Inc. headquarters in Urbana.

Newspoetry CEO Joseph "Joe" Futrelle said a government grant will
probably cover all costs, but indicated that Newspoetry will still not
be profitable this year in a blow to Wall Streets hopes that rising
prices for Newspoetry inputs would lead a recovery in the stock market.