[Newspoetry] the eternal question, answered?

[nicolle neulist]

the eternal question, answered?

washington, dc (associated poets):
at a routine white house press briefing today, ari fleischer announced
george w. bush's rationale for refusing to sign the united states of
america onto the kyoto protocol, the only major international
anti-global warming treaty.  he announced that this gesture is simply
the public announcement of the right wing's plan to settle the
creationism versus evolutionism debate once and for all through global
warming.  fleischer assured, "the president is aware, since america is
the most powerful nation on earth, that america's signature on this
treaty would all but ensure setting the world on a path to halt global
warming and (in the popular opinion) ensure the survival of the human
race.  still, we have a greater mission here-to prove to the godless,
heretic evolutionists that God put man on earth, and He ensured that man
could survive its conditions.  all true christians know that global
warming is no threat to humanity, because God loves and serves all.  He
will see us through, and the president knows this."
fleischer went on to explain bush's belief that, if evolution was to be
the truth, that it would take millions of years for humanity to adapt to
the warmer earth, and by then it would be too late-every human on earth
will have perished by the time that this projected "evolution" could
affect anything.  president bush wants it stressed to the american
people that their survival will disprove the validity of slow, gradual
evolution.  "if the earth suddenly passes a threshold temperature,
becoming too hot for human beings to survive, all would die in a matter
of minutes as if they were cast into a hot oven," fleischer stated,
"thus, this proverbial 'evolution' would be to no avail.  but, if humans
were created by God, then He would deliver them from this trial and
assure their survival on earth forevermore.  this is the president's
position on this issue, and as true christians, neither he, i, nor any
member of the president's top counsel finds fault with this prediction."
the specific details about the plan to settle the ongoing debate
surrounding the origins of humanity remain sketchy, but the news
conference did reveal some points of it.  the plan began a few centuries
ago with the beginning of the industrial revolution.  traditional
america, a christian right wing think tank functional since the american
revolution, realized near the beginning of the industrial revolution in
america that many of the chemicals associated with industry could cause
global warming, but, keeping this question of humanity's origin in mind,
they also decided to endorse the emissions and work to make them more
widespread.  all have since died without getting an answer to their
question, but their plan and their organization live on to the current
day.  thus, even though the mass media gives the impression to the less
faithful that business and industry are indeed being reprimanded for
releasing chlorofluorocarbons (cfc's) and other ozone-depleting
chemicals, they are instead being rewarded with large monetary
incentives and tax cuts, in direct proportion with the damage they do to
the ozone layer.  thus, this choice not to sign the kyoto protocol
allows this process of discovering humanity's roots to continue without
such hindrances as international law, world policing bodies, and breach
of treaty.
the kyoto protocol includes a system of rules and regulations for
signatory nations to reduce their emissions of greenhouse gases.  it
gives specific guidelines on what gases to restrict emissions and
reservoirs of, and it also gives a few dates for phasing in such laws. 
the protocol also encourages signatory governments to eliminate tax
breaks for polluters, and instead use monetary incentives to encourage
corporations to tighten their environmental policies and reduce their
emissions.  this is the most recognized and most central purpose of the
protocol, but it contains other environmental goals as well.  they
include sustainable development, energy efficiency, and environmentally
responsible forest management.  it is a controversial treaty to both
business and environmental causes-business finds it too strict and too
much of a threat to their profitability; environmentalists find it too
vague, but many environmentalists support the usa signing onto the
treaty as a starting point: a step in the right direction to end global
warming, further ozone depletion, and unsustainable development.
many groups are taking this news harshly.  environmentalists are not the
only group outraged by both bush's refusal to sign the protocol and
fleischer's revelation of bush's rationale.  advocates of the separation
of church and state, as well as people who are apprehensive about the
increasing power of big business, are also up in arms.  "our environment
is no testing ground for something so subjective and personal as
religion," commented janice braunry, a concerned citizen, "this is the
most shortsighted reasoning for a policy that i have encountered in my
life!  how does president bush know that God has created us to survive
global warming?  we currently have a livable planet, but it is in
jeopardy.  if you ask me, i'd say that president bush is trying to put
the fear of God into people in an underhanded attempt to persecute
non-christians and allow businesses to save money by cutting
environmental corners!  this purported rationale clearly violates the
religious freedom provisions of the first amendment.  there's also no
point in doing this, when the answer to the evolution-versus-creation
debate is buried behind billions of years.  face it: we will never know
this answer for sure, and the idea that threatening humanity with global
warming might answer it is preposterous and unfair."
many leading religious conservatives do not understand the popular
apprehension surrounding today's announcement.  "the future, including
the survival of the human race, rests in God's hands-not our mere human
hands," asserted 2000 reform party presidential candidate pat buchanan,
"it says that on page
eight hundred and something
i think
well, on some
page of the bible!  by not signing the diabolical kyoto protocol, bush
continues a much-needed service to the american people.  he is the first
president in history with the fortitude to explain this groundbreaking,
centuries-old measure to the common american.  the plan to prove the
creation of humans by God through human global warming survival is
foolproof, and i do not understand why anyone would protest this or find
it troubling.  God says you'll survive, or at least you'll survive if
you are a true christian.  so, trust us
there's nothing to worry about
here, except for an eternity in hell for those who continue to believe
in evolution and doubt the truth."
the presentation of bush's global warming intentions did conclude
today's press conference, and fleischer did not reply to any questions
from the media regarding this issue.  instead, he muttered a quick
comment about the declining religious faith and trust of the american
people, and promptly left the white house press room at the conclusion
of his brief description.  bush refused to reply to any direct
communication from associated poets regarding both this explanation and
why he did not come forward and present this pivotal plan himself
instead of leaving the task of revealing his plans for the future of the
earth to his press secretary.



		--nicky neulist