[Newspoetry] Placebo Effect Debunked

[Joe Futrelle]

http://www.nytimes.com/2001/05/23/health/23CND-PLAC.html

Bethesda, MD (Associated Poets)

Dealing a blow to the pharmeceutical industry, a major research study
has concluded that the so-called "placebo effect" does not exist.  The
study, reported in the New England Journal of medicine, was conducted
by a team of researchers at the National Placebo Institute at the
National Institutes of Health.

The researchers compared the effects of several popular brands of
placebo on various ailments with an inert substitute known to be
ineffective, and found no statistical difference in effectiveness.

Pfizer, the manufacturer of the most popular brand of placebo,
Placebin, was unavailable for comment today, but sources said the news
sent shock waves throughout the organization.  Shares of Pfizer were
off nearly 7 points this afternoon.

The research is not without its critics.  Roger Kael, a critic at the
Long Island Institute of Blanket Criticism, pointed out that if the
placebo effect doesn't exist, but was nevertheless reported in
numerous studies over the years, then its existence constitutes a sort
of placebo effect of its own, don't you see, and so there is a placebo
effect after all, gotcha!  After pointing this out, Kael appeared
confused and began mumbling to himself and counting on his fingers.

Just plain folks who use expensive prescription placebos reacted to
the news with skepticism.  "I've been taking Placebin for years and
I'm the picture of health," said Mary Wenzel, a 63-year old retiree
from Palm Springs.  Then her knees fell off.

Some were even more skeptical of the motivations behind the report.
Johnny Dean (not his real name), a high school student who uses
placebos illicitly, told us he thinks the report is a government plot
to halt the illegal trade in "'cebos".  "The man doesn't want us doin'
'cebos," he explained, "because he doesn't want us to know the truth."
Dean says he steals to buy saline solution and syringes to support his
habit.

--
Joe Futrelle
editor-despite-chief
Newspoetry . kom