[Newspoetry] Newspoem-- The Absolutely Appalling American

[Robert Porter]

The Absolutely Appalling American

By Newton Bigelow (Associated Poets)

Dateline Madrid--

            One of the comforts of my adopted city is the existence of
small, neighborhood bars, where one can have a quiet drink without
attracting unwanted attention.  I go to these places to avoid American
tourists.  Everyone mostly keeps to themselves, except for the occasional
blowhard who has too many and gets talky.  I usually find this irritating,
but every once in while they'll say something interesting, or at least
amusing.

        This was the case last night, when I was cornered by a
familiar-looking fellow who'd apparently slipped away from his entourage to
do a little covert drinking.  He'd been torturing the bartender with his
awful Spanish, but wobbled over towards me after being tipped off that I was
an American.  Introducing himself as "Junior", he proceeded to draw me into
the wierdest conversation I've had all year.  What follows is a transcript
of said dialogue, as far as I can remember it:


Nice to meet you, um, Junior.  My name's...

"I guess we call you General. That means you all are in the Army.  And I am
glad you are."

...OK, we'll go with that, I guess.  What brings you to Madrid?

"I was able to thank President Aznar this week, for arresting eight -- eight
terrorists, eight people who hate freedom are now in jail, where they should
be."

President Aznar wants you to like him.  People all over the world want you
to like them.

"I like to remind people that the evil ones have roused a mighty nation, and
they will pay a serious price."

They're not likely to forget.  I gather things are getting pretty scary for
some of the immigrants back in the States.

"We're interviewing people, on a voluntary basis. We're saying, welcome to
America.  Why don't you share information with us? "

...Right.  So. what happens if they choose not to cooperate? 

"I have also reserved the option of trial by military commission for foreign
terrorists who wage war against our country.  And if I determine that it is
in the national security interest of our great land to try by military
commission those who make war on America, then we will do so."

That, as the kids say, is bunk.  What about due process?

"Ours is a great land, and we'll always value freedom.  We're an open
society.  But we're at war.  The enemy has declared war on us.  And we must
not let foreign enemies use the forums of liberty to destroy liberty,
itself. Foreign terrorists and agents must never again be allowed to use our
freedoms against us."

Does all that twisted logic ever give you a headache?

"It is the calling of our time, to rid the world of terror. And it is the
calling of our time to protect the American people. Our enemies are
resourceful, and they are incredibly ruthless.  They can't stand what
America stands for.  It must bother them greatly to know we're such a free
and wonderful place -- it must grate on them greatly."

Was that a pun?

"That's our calling.  It's the calling of the 21st century.  And it's a
calling that we will not tire for; it's a calling that we will keep in our
minds.  And you must keep it in your minds, because I can assure I'm going
to keep it in mine."


At that point,  "Junior" wandered off to the little chief executive's room.
I found myself suddenly and disappointingly sober, and headed calmly, but
briskly, for the door.


http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/11/20011129-12.html
http://www.whitehouse.gov/news/releases/2001/11/20011128-9.html