[Newspoetry] Embassy Institute proposes new F.A.A. safety measures.

[Sascha Meinrath]

last night i was lamenting to the wednesday-night embassy crew that i'd
never be allowed to take my swiss army knife on board a plane again.
today, it's a (all too predictable) reality.  the following is based on
further discussions about plane safety by the "Embassy Institute".

Urbana, IL, September 13, 2001
PLANE SAFETY
New F.A.A. Rules Do Not Address the Real Problem

By Sascha Meinrath

FAA officials announced yesterday that knives would no longer be sold in
airports or allowed on any commercial flights.  However, experts from the
Embassy Institute, an interdisciplinary think tank, believe these measures
do not go far enough.

Mink Covington, renowned scholar in independent thinking, succinctly
summarized the shortcomings of the new rules, "Jujitsu."   "The fact
remains, any group of dedicated martial artist can still take over a
plane.  The problem is not the knives - the problem is the hands.  A group
of ninja warrior-fanatics can down a plane, even without swords."

Bret Cooper, who has studied the psychological aspects of several things,
noted, "In addition, one has to take into account the psychological
dynamics of flying on planes today.  While I agree with Mink concerning
the deadly use of hands, without a will to act, violence would not occur.
Hands themselves are not the problem, it is a psychological state of mind
that leads to terrorist actions."

Ms. Cooper's analysis emphasizes the use of psychological warfare as the
future of air-traffic terrorism, "One needs to understand that these
people are evil, and will stop at nothing to achieve their goal of bedlam
and carnage.  Babies are a good example of this contemporary psychological
warfare.  Sources have told me that Osama Bin Laden has been training a
secret international army of terrorist wet-nurses and plans to invade our
airspace with hundreds of terrorist crybabies."

Mike Layman, who has studied, concurred, "These people are evil.  And
imagine the havoc that would be caused if our business leaders were unable
to sleep during their red-eye flights.  The financial ramifications of
this new and devastatingly effective terrorist tactic cannot be
underestimated; to insure this, I estimate the impact to be over $37.62
billion monthly.  Insuring financial stability demands that we ban babies
immediately from all commercial flights."

However, Bob Bargar and Anne Portar have a more nuanced perspective on
future threats to air safety.  Mr. Bargar and Ms. Portar recently
completed a study of possible weapons-use on airplanes.  Ms. Portar
summarized the findings, "Almost any common item can be used to down a
plane.  For example we studied a report of a plane that crashed after
angry cosmetic salespeople blinded the pilots with face powder.  In
addition, the F.A.A. mistakenly believes that chopsticks are a safe
alternative to knives, but our own studies have shown that even a common
paperclip can be twisted and wielded to deadly effect.  After extensive
study, we have found that the one factor that successfully reduced plane
terrorism by 99.63 percent was the complete immobilization of the
opposable thumb."  Their study recommends thumb restraints be immediately
implemented on all domestic and foreign flights.  Mr. Bargar explained,
"This isn't about discomfort, this is about patriotism.  The only reason
people would complain about these safety measures is that they are evil.
We must hunt down and punish those who would undermine our public safety
by speaking out against these measures."

Embassy Institute personnel rejected other proposed safety measures.
"Several other 'think-tanks' recommended complete removal of all possible
weapons, including clothing.  Our own analyses demonstrate that this would
lead to a dramatic increase in membership of the 'mile-high club.'  This
'Sky Orgy' phenomenon, as we have termed it, would only lead to new
tactics by terrorists - militant, fanatic VD carriers" stated Ms.
Covington.

"Imagine biological warfare of an unprecedented scale, spread though our
air-traffic system at hundreds of miles per hour to every major city in
the country," stated Sacca Miewrath, who is only a graduate student at the
University of Illinois (and nothing more), "Obviously, alert passengers
will always prove a security threat.  Safety can only be maintained
through mind control.  However, T.V. installations are far behind schedule
on many planes.  A cheaper and faster alternative is the introduction of
chemical tranquilizers into the air-supply system of our planes.  A
presupposition of my colleagues is passenger consciousness, I choose to
think outside the box."

***************************************

ORIGINAL ARTICLE:

F.A.A. Announces Stricter Rules; Knives No Longer Allowed
By PAUL ZIELBAUER with JOHN SULLIVAN

BOSTON, Sept. 12 — While it is illegal to carry cans of hairspray,
sparklers and rat poison onto passenger jets, Federal Aviation
Administration regulations have for many years allowed passengers to carry
knives with blades up to four inches long on commercial flights.

That changed today, as the agency announced new, far stricter security
guidelines for airports nationwide. The measures were part of the first
broad regulatory response to the hijackings Tuesday by terrorists, at
least some of whom wielded knives and box cutters.

Airports were closed for a second day today. The F.A.A. said that once
flights resumed, knives and cutting instruments of any size, made of
metal, plastic or any other material, would no longer be allowed on
commercial planes. They also cannot be used or sold in any part of airport
terminals, including by diners in restaurants and concession stands.

Essentially, the new rules mean that airport diners will be left with
forks and spoons, or possibly chopsticks, but no cutlery. The rules will
tighten security but also increase the time to check baggage, enter
airline terminals and board planes.

Curbside check-in will be eliminated. Jetliners will be searched by
security officers before passengers get on. Passenger planes will no
longer carry cargo or mail, to reduce the risks of bombs. And unattended
cars will be towed if they are parked within 300 feet of a terminal.

The changes came as a law-enforcement official disclosed that a group of
terrorists on at least one of Tuesday's four hijacked flights wielded
sharp plastic knives and razor blades with handles, known as box cutters.

The airlines have long allowed people to carry on Swiss Army knives or
perhaps a straight-edge razor. But the hijackings showed that even such
low-grade weapons can provide enough force if brandished by determined
terrorists.

"I could never understand why they allowed pocket knives to be carried
aboard planes, because basically they are weapons," said Donald Egelston,
a retired special agent and former security manager for Trans World
Airlines.

The new security rules were negotiated between Federal Aviation
Administration and Transportation Department officials and the chief
executives of the country's major airlines in a series of conference calls
beginning Tuesday night and ending today.

The Air Transport Association, the industry's lobby, suggested that even
further measures be taken. The group said the F.A.A. should consider
nationalizing passenger screening and revive the sky marshals program,
which placed anonymous armed agents on selected flights.

Federal officials have long criticized the effectiveness of the security
checkpoints, which are typically run by contractors working for the
airlines.

That concern was magnified in May 2000, when Argenbright Holdings Ltd., a
company that screens passengers at many of the nation's largest airports,
pleaded guilty to federal fraud charges stemming from its hiring of 1,300
untrained security guards at Philadelphia International Airport. Dozens of
the guards had criminal records.

Argenbright, which is still on probation, acknowledged today that it had
screened the passengers Tuesday who took American Airlines flights out of
Washington's Dulles International Airport in Washington and United
Airlines flights in Newark.

An American plane out of Dulles and a United plane out of Newark, along
with two flights from a Boston airport, were hijacked on Tuesday.

"We are unable to comment on any operational issues with regard to this
tragic event," said Sara Jackson, Argenbright's marketing manager.