[Newspoetry] Recipe Redux

[Dirk Stratton]

A shocking lapse of security at Newspoetry.com, the on-line news 
service that recasts the news in poetic form, has the brought the 
already struggling organization to a standstill. Outraged Newspoets 
and other subscribers to Newspoetry are demanding to know how a 
decidedly ill-wrought poem, "Recipe," allegedly composed by 
infrequent contributor Dirk Stratton, avoided the Formal Poetry 
Prosody Checkpoints and made it onto the Newspoetry listserv, 
exposing thousands and perhaps dozens of people to "The Poem that 
Couldn't Count Straight," as that wretched piece of doggerel has come 
to be known.

Joe Futrelle, the current, and embattled, editor of Newspoetry, 
released a terse statement defending Newspoetry and his editorial 
acumen: "People have to understand that Newspoetry receives upwards 
to three or four newspoems a day and we simply do not have enough 
prosody experts to sift through the vast amount of poetic data we 
receive. I've repeatedly asked for more funding but I guess it takes 
an act of despicable poetic blundering like this to get people's 
attention. People seem to have this crazy idea that all I do is 
Newspoetry, but since the Board of Directors has refused to even 
consider paying me a liveable wage for my labor, I have been forced 
to take a second job to make ends meet. I have a household to 
maintain, dogs to feed, a pool that needs constant maintenance, 
parties to throw, and I can't be expected to do all that on the 
paltry sums provided by some of the most notorious skinflints in the 
Western Hemisphere. I can only say that unless something changes, and 
quickly, more such incidents are likely to occur."

When questioned about his understanding of the term "terse," given 
his somewhat rambling responses to reporters' questioning, Futrelle 
replied, "You want terse? I'll give you terse. Fuck you!"

When told that he had uttered a "curse" instead of defining "terse," 
Futrelle began screaming about the Newspoetry Principle of Rhyming 
Equivalents or some such nonsense and the news conference was quickly 
brought to an end.

The most sobering aspect of this whole affair is that experts now 
conclude that "Recipe" quite likely would have been posted on the 
Newspoetry site, further accelerating the damage, had it not been for 
the ever-vigilant eyes of William Gillespie, the esteemed Founder and 
Patron Saint of Newspoetry.com.

"I was just doing my duty as a poet," Gillespie said, when contacted. 
"Newspoetry must remain free of all prosodic error. While we 
encourage experimentation and delight in the invention of new forms, 
we simply cannot allow our site to be defiled by poems that don't 
even follow their own rules. To do so would be tantamount to 
releasing a vicious virus into the body poetic. Such actions will not 
stand. Newspoetry will respond--and make no mistake-- respond 
massively to any attack on its poetic integrity. We do all that is 
necessary to smoke terrorist poets out of their windy garrets and 
bring them to justice."

Asked whether he was accusing the purported author of being a 
terrorist, Gillespie paused. "Well, I've known Dirk for some time and 
I thought that he was a kindred spirit. . . ." At this point, 
Gillespie visibly choked up and seemed to dab a tear from his cheek. 
"Let me just say that the investigation continues into this . . . 
this savage attack, and while we don't want to jump to any hasty 
conclusions, all the evidence so far seems to point to that . . . 
possibility." Again, Gillespie was overcome by emotion and was unable 
to continue.

Dirk Stratton, now in hiding somewhere in the Cincinnati area, has 
issued contradictory statements regarding his suspected role in the 
heinous assault. At first, he claimed that the miscounted syllabic 
lines of "Recipe" were the result of fatigue, that the poem had been 
composed hastily, and that no harm had ever been intended. Later, 
Stratton claimed that he was not responsible for the poem at all, but 
that his e-mail address had been hijacked by persons unknown and that 
he was therefore also one of the victims of this atrocity. Still 
later, Stratton produced a second version of "Recipe," and in an 
accompanying press release claimed that "had [he] written a poem like 
'Recipe,' this is how [he] would have done it." He admitted that, as 
in the first version, the syllable count had been "fudged" in the 
line containing the word "violently" because everyone pronounces the 
word as though it has three syllables instead of four. Stratton also 
admitted that he changed the rules for the last stanza, "just 
because." He continued to insist that this second "Recipe" was the 
only version he had composed and that he had rewritten the poem only 
to demonstrate that he could not possibly be held accountable for the 
first version.

Both versions of the poem are reproduced below. Readers should be 
cautioned that the prosodic crimes depicted in the first version are 
extremely graphic and that they should be cautious about exposing 
themselves to such horrifying errors. The lines in question, should 
readers decide to skip them, are the last line of the first stanza 
and the first line of the second.



Recipe

Two large planes, two extra-large buildings,
Six to twelve  hijackers, knives. Give hijackers
knives and add to planes. Stir violently. Mix planes

with buildings. Heat to 1000 degrees
for at least an hour or until buildings start
to collapse. Video cameras

can be used to record results. Watch
repeatedly while debris cools. Begin search
for survivors. Serve with hot tears. Wait.

  				-Dirk Stratton

  [Note: this is a variation of haiku using a 9-11-9 syllable count
rather than the usual 5-7-5]




Recipe

Two large planes (fuel tanks nearly full),
two immense buildings, six to twelve  hijackers,
knives. Give hijackers knives, add to planes.

Stir violently. Mix planes with buildings.
Heat to 1000 degrees for at least two
hours or until buildings collapse. While

waiting, video cameras can
be used to record results. Watch tapes again
and again while debris cools. Begin

search for survivors.  Serve with hot tears.
Now
wait.