[Newspoetry] If I were a religious man ... (NEWSPOEM)

[Robert Porter]

Hi.  I'd like to talk to God.

           Certainly, sir.  I'll just need you to sit over there while I

set up the identity confrmation scanner.

Pardon?

           It's a new thing.  Everyone who wants to speak with the Almighty

has to go through an extensive security check.

  
Um ... what do you mean by 'extensive'?

           You know, just the usual.  Ocular scan, bloodwork, DNA
crossmatching ...

Wow, that seems a little ...

           Dental x-rays, credit report, arrest records ...

What?  Are you serious?

           Psychiatric evaluation, history of drug use, full body cavity
search ...

Hold the phone here!  I'm trying to talk to God, not get into the  White

House!

           Oh, they're not nearly as strict as we are, sir.  After all,

presidents come and go, but there's just one Supreme Being.

        
Who could turn me into charcoal without batting an eye!  I think you

blockheads have forgotten who you're trying to protect here!



           Settle down, sir, or I'll have to call security.

Security!  We're talking the Creator of the Universe here!

           I'm calling them now.  If I were you, I'd try to calm down.

These guys can be pretty rough on troublemakers.


I  (breathe, breathe)  am NOT (breathe, breathe) a troublemaker!  I'm just

trying to commune with my Deity here.  You sound like you're trying to

discourage folks from praying!

           Prayer is not part of my job description, sir.  I'm here to make

sure that the Most High isn't bothered by crackheads and psychos.  After

all, you can't expect God to talk to just anyone.

I kinda thought that was the point.

           Hippy.  There he is boys!  Take him away!  Don't be too soft on
him, now!

You can't do this!  I demand to see your supervisor!

           Bye, sir!  Remember to go limp when you hit the pavement!  It'll
hurt less!  

Hey!  Let me go!  Ow!  You can't ... Ow!

           Wheee!  I love this job!



http://www.nytimes.com/2002/02/05/international/middleeast/05SAUD.html 
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