[Newspoetry] Fee-or-Free Debate Looms

[Donald L Emerick]

Fee-or-Free Debate Looms

In vain pursuit of a hidden quest for new sources of tax revenues to offset
the swollen tides of red ink overflowing from the baptismal founts of
eternal youths, President Bush proudly announced today a revision to his no
new taxes pledge.  "Taxes will not go up over my dead body; they will only
go down when I'm on top of it [the body politic].  Fees, though, are not
taxes because they are wholly optional.  That means you never pay a fee
unless you use something.  Moreover, there are plenty of people using things
for free when they could be paying for it and saving you your tax dollars."

One member of the White House Press Corps asked, "So, will we be seeing any
new user fee programs, Mr. President?"

Bush said, "I'm glad you asked that, Rasputin.  Yes, yes, there are all
sorts of government give-aways that we plan to place on for-fee basis.
Government doesn't grow on trees, you know.  Down in Texas, we say
government doesn't grow on cactus, but when it does, it's a prickly pear.
It's one sharp doggie that you don't want to back into or even run into."

Another asked, "Mr. President, can you name any activities for which fees
will soon be charged?"

"Yes, I can," said Bush, whacking on the podium, to show that he was a real
man.  "For instance, poetic licenses have been given away for free for
centuries.  I think it's about time all those poets, who are most left-wing
scum anyway, to start paying their fair share of costs for their licenses."

"Uh, Mr. President, the term poetic license refers poetically to liberty in
the conformations of sense and sound in verse writing that we term poetry.
It's only a poetic expression to call it a license.  Moreover, there never
has been any service that government provides to poets or to poetry.  There
is nothing there on which you could base your government fee."

"Didn't you just refer to poetic liberty?  Doesn't that cost the government
a bundle of bucks, or an arm and a leg? When was the last time some poet
defended this country?  Not only are there no atheists in foxholes, there
are also no poets.  So, my fee for poetic licensures will justly spread the
burdens of government evenly among the rich and the poor in spirit.  And, I
might personally add, for that I shall be mightily blessed."

"Mr. President, could you name a single poet?"

"I don't think any of them are married (. Press Corps shmoozes .), but
seriously, I am not ashamed to say that Jesus Christ is my favorite poet."

"Mr. President, do you even know what poetry is? Where is it written that
Jesus was poetic?"

"Why it says right here, 'Jesus wept.' If that's not the sweetest little
poem, then I'm a boll weevil."

(Anon voice from chorus: "You mean 'bowl of evil', doancha?")

"Mr. President, what will the For-Fee Enforcement Act look like?"

"Well, I'm asking John [Ashcroft], to add a new group, the Division of
Poetic Justice Squad.  Make no mistake about it -- the days of free poetry
are over.  Those doing rhymes pay for our times."

"Mr. President, Mr. President. what about blank verse?"

"There will also be special provisions to punish pornography.  No one in our
country should be exposed to the smutty suggestions of blanks in verse."

"Aren't there serious First Amendment concerns about this proposed
legislation?

"No, our position is that we will accept no amendments -- not even one, let
alone a second or a third..."

With that, the President said "God bless the USA" and left the press room in
total disarray.