[Newspoetry] middle-eastern schoolyard (part one)

[Jay Morris]

How Not to Solve Problems

It has been recently brought to the school board’s attention that there has 
been growing tension between the ‘popular’ students and the less popular 
‘goth’ children in our county’s schools.  Kids being kids, the goth children 
have mocked the popular crowd, and the more powerful popular students have 
decided to pick on, beat up, and generally make life hell for the goth 
children.  The goth children have until now responded pitifully in any 
physical conflicts, as could be predicted given that they tend often to be 
of much slighter build than the ‘jocks’ of the popular crowd.

Generally, the school board has left the resolution of these conflicts to 
the teacher or principal of the school involved.  However, in light of 
recent incidents of school shootings and other violence committed around the 
nation by goth children (including the recent rash of school vandalism in 
our west side schools), the school board has decided to take action.

For the purpose of peace-keeping, each popular student will be issued an 
M-16 automatic rifle.  There will also be made available one Apache attack 
helicopter per popular student clique, to be used at their discretion for 
peace-keeping purposes.  The less popular (i.e., higher risk) children will 
also be restricted to either the cafeteria or the gymnasium during lunch or 
any break times.  Any travel between these two areas will be made outdoors.  
Portable outdoor toilets will be set up along this route.  Hallways, 
drinking fountains, and the parking lot will be monitored by popular 
students.

The school board will meet next week with the most popular student (Chet 
Atkins) and the child identified as leader of the less popular goth crowd 
(Danny Wilson), in an attempt to work out a peace accord.  I’m sure you all 
remember Chet Atkins whose father got us a deal on those Creationism 
textbooks last year.  You probably also remember Danny Wilson, whose cousin 
set fire to the tire factory last year.

Let’s try to keep all the children in our prayers this week.  I trust that 
this issue can be resolved in a timely manner without any further incidents.

Sincerely,
James Hellison
Garrett County School Board Chair




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