[Newspoetry] Bush declares Hari Kari the only answer.

[Sascha Meinrath]

"The United States of America will not permit the world's most dangerous
regimes to threaten us with the world's most destructive weapons."
PRESIDENT BUSH

January 30, 2002

Urbana, IL (NP) -- American President Select George Bush was declared the
world's most destructive weapon last night according to a worldwide poll
conducted by the Embassy Institute.  This comes at the heals of recent
findings by the Embassy Institute that the United States of America has
killed more innocent civilians worldwide than any other country.  A close
advisor to the president, speaking on condition of anonymity stated, "Yes,
maybe we should have given the [State of the Union] speech writers a bit
more background."

Recent analyses of news reports have found that American actions have now
killed more civilians in Afghanistan than died during the tragic events of
September 11th.  Confronted with the most recent figures, Mr. Bush
declared, "Following the most highly reguarded tradition, we have found
that Afghanistaners are worth three-fifths of an America; therefore, I do
not see how your numbers are relevant."  Before being forcibly muffled and
removed from the room by administrative aids, Mr. Bush declared anyone
questioning the wisdom of the Founding Fathers to be "both anti-American,
a terrorist, and a danger to national security!"

Upon his return, a much less agitated Bush asked that his remarks be
removed from the record, "my neice...errr...doctor recently upped my
perscription -- these are trying times, and the anxiety they produce is
enough to make anyone worried.  Would you be willing to sort of hit that
little button, the rewind key, a little?"

Mr. Bush clarified the relationship between his State of the Union
comments and the recent findings by the Embassy Institute, "If I thought
these results were pertinent, I suppose Hari Kari would be the logical
choice.  But this administration is not interested in public opinion
polls, we're not worried about what makes people happiest, or the whims of
the body politic.  We're interested in fighting evil -- both at home and
abroad, using any means necessary -- we will smoke them out wherever they
lie...lay...are lying...have lain."

Asked if this extends to Americans abroad or foreigners in America, Mr.
Bush responded with a chuckle, "That's a trick question.  Now, I know what
you're getting at.  Yes, people have certain rights, we're not against
rights, the problem is that exercising one's rights sometimes undermines
national security.  We need to weigh the rights of the many to be free
from terror against evil people's rights.  Take Afghanians, for example --
they're dangerous.  Bin Laden is evil and he's almost Afghanian.  And he's
almost Iraqian and Iranese and South Korean...  err...North...or Korean
also.  We will smoke him out, regardless of where he is or has been."

Questioned again about current foreign policies in Afghanistan, Mr. Bush
defended his position, "Afghanistanians are supporters of the Evil Axis.
Iran, Iraq, and North Korea are part of the Axis too.  Facism is on the
rise -- I've read my history, we must not allow Nazi's to control the New
World Order."  Following a brief tussle with Mr. Cheney (who appeared to
be rather agitated and hovering nearby), Mr. Bush clarified his position,
"The evil axis is rapidly spinning out of control -- like a gyroscope
picking up speed, evil forces are gathering.  Only by harnessing the
gyroscopic power of the evil axis will our markets overcome our trade
deficit and capitalism triumph over the recession.  I have one word for
you son... scooters."

Mr. Cheney, rather red in the face, broke in, "What he meant to say was
that the Evil Axis is threatening to undermine the American way of life."
Mr. Cheney continued, "All it takes is one large corporation to suffer a
direct hit and go bankrupt.  Next thing you know, they're falling like
dominoes.  We must not allow even a single corporation to go under -- we
committed to making sure not a single one falls... not one."  Asked about
his recent Enron woes, Mr. Cheney stated, "What the American people do not
seem to understand is that this is a National Security issue -- capitalism
must not fall!  Providing the information that Congress is requesting will
expose serious security breeches in the American economy -- this
administration is not in the business of helping terrorists."