[Newspoetry] Your local news headlines

[Jay Morris]

here's another one from june.
jay



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Your local news headlines

High School Spaz-out

In what he referred to as "a series of pre-emptive strikes", a local
activist and high school student repeatedly punched President Bush in
the face Wednesday morning before being pulled away by members of the
secret service.  The president was unharmed but looked stunned as the
minor was lead away.

In a prepared statement this afternoon, the boy's father explained
that his son had reason to suspect that the Bush's organization was
planning another attack on his planet.  "Several pieces of evidence
have lead my son to suspect President Bush's involvement in a plan
that would change global climate patterns to a degree that would
majorly disrupt our planet's living systems and create enormous human
suffering".  He said the boy "hoped the strikes would discourage
further actions toward this goal".

President Bush said he hopes the child's conspiracy theories didn't
stem from anything he was being taught in school, and ordered a full
investigation into the high school's cirriculum.

The president was visiting Urbana to discuss his plan to open several
new power stations in Illinois that will run on gasoline.  The new
project would replace the existing power stations, and although it is
a less efficient method of generating electricity, the president noted
that it is a much simpler operation and that it would create several
new jobs.

McCrazy with Fries

Champaign resident Mitch Gentner was arrested today after ramming his
car through the front window of a McDonalds restaurant.  Gentner, 44,
called the attack a "pre-emptive strike".

"These people are crazy.  They've got a plan to make us all sick".
Gentner claimed McDonalds' hamburgers contain hormones and certain
kinds of fat that are dangerous to human health.

McDonalds manager Tim Johnson denied the claims.  "There's always some
kind of lunatic trying to tell you things like this.  We didn't become
the world's biggest fast food chain by poisoning people".