[Newspoetry] War on Terror Over

[Scott Rettberg]

War on Terror Over, War on Dread to Begin

Today the White House declared a major
Victory in the war on the Terror, one
that, in fact, brings the conflict conclusively
to a close.

"We've rooted out the rascals, every last
one of them. They've come scurrying from their
caves and we hit them hard with air fuel bombs,
them terrorists are toast. I know taint proper
to say this on television, but my approval rating
is so high I feel I can confess that there aint nothing
like the smell of Napalm in the morning," said President
Bush, as he high-fived Rumsfield.

Although this news was greeted warmly on Wall
Street, as everyone agreed that there was no
longer cause for alarm, and the Dow Jones
Industrials rallied in early trading, and analysts
were speculating that we might soon be in the midst of
a Clinton-era-style boom, new concerns
quickly materialized, and both the DOW
and NASDAQ sank in late trading, as at Vice President
Dick Cheney's afternoon press conference,
he announced that although "This is the singlemost
substantial Victory that the United States of America has
garnered since the last World War, we aren't out of
the woods just yet."

Cheney announced that although the terrorists had
all been killed by the brave men and women of the
United States Armed forces, "A new war, one with
even deeper consequences and larger defense spending,"
has just begun. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I submit to
you that although we have defeated the short sharp
shocks of terror, we now face an even mightier foe,
as we stare down the face of Dread."

Cheney explained that while terror, the sudden
overwhelming sense of horror and fear, is now a
thing of the past, having been defeated by superior
conventional weaponry, intelligence, and the recent
reorganization of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,
"Dread, in the Heideggarian sense, is still out there,
and demands our full attention. While we should take a
moment to pat ourselves and our administration on the
back for a job well done, the terror which has been
in our faces since 9/11 has been supplanted by this
greater enemy, Dread, which is forever lingering on
the imminent horizon. We must be ever-vigilant and I'm
declaring on behalf of the President a code-red from
now until the expiration of our second term. A code-red
in the war on Dread."

The Vice President explained that while the war on
Terror had made room for dissent, for free speech,
for civil liberties and the like, the exigencies of
the new "scarier" War on Dread demand a suspension
of such luxuries. Like Terror, Cheney explained, Dread
could show its face at any time, but unlike Terror, Dread
is "Always there, hiding in the corners of your home."

Surviving members of the Al Qaeda and other former
terrorist groups have apparently switched their
allegiance to this new foe Dread, and will henceforth
be known as "Dreadists."

The FBI and other agencies will need more
resources to fight this new war, Chief Robert
Mueller explained in his afternoon address,
"and we don't really have time to explain it to you.