[Newspoetry] Patriotic TP

[Robert Porter]

What better way to honor those who have died in the struggle against
terrorism?
 

March 11, 2002

Pentagon to Receive Novel Toilet Paper

By CLAUDIA H. DEUTSCH

Any day now, a big package will land in the Pentagon office of Dan Philbin,
who cannot wait to distribute its contents. "I'll make sure the Secretary of
Defense's office gets some, and I'll give some to the chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff," he said. "And I know, as others see them, I'll be swarmed
with people wanting their own."

What is Mr. Philbin, a Defense Department spokesman, so eagerly awaiting?
Toilet paper. Two hundred rolls of it, each sheet imprinted with Osama bin
Laden's face and the all- too-easy pun, "Wipe Out Terrorism."

The paper was the brainchild of Kenn Fischburg, who shortly after the Sept.
11 terrorist attacks printed a couple thousand rolls and started selling
them for about $6.25 a piece on toiletpaperworld.com. The Web site is the
e-commerce arm of Consumers Interstate, the janitorial supplies
distributorship in Norwich, Conn., that his family owns. "I figured, what
better way to disrespect an individual than to put his picture on toilet
paper?" Mr. Fischburg said.

By November, though, the gag had worn thin. Mr. Fischburg's employees all
had rolls on their desks, the product was prominent on the Web site, "and I
just got really sick of seeing this man's face all the time," he said. So,
he removed the bin Laden paper from the site, although he continued to sell
the rolls to customers who e-mailed special requests.

Then, last week, inspiration struck again: Why not send some rolls to the
people masterminding the fight against terrorism? Why not indeed, was Mr.
Philbin's reaction when Michael Friedman, Mr. Fischburg's publicist, called
with the idea. "I am completely in cahoots with any mission to put a smile
on the faces at the Pentagon," Mr. Philbin said.

So far, there are no plans to send the paper to the front lines ‹ yet. "It's
a matter of logistics," Mr. Philbin said, "but it would be fun."


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