[Newspoetry] Diversions from Martial Law

[Nick Montfort]

INS chief gets grilled: the head of the Immigration and Naturalization
Service, Commissioner James Ziglar was grilled today by members of the
House barbecue subcommittee. Rep. Darrell Issa, R-California, called
Ziggler's spareribs "worse than useless" while Rep. Jeff Flake, R-Arizona
said that his hams were "tasty."

Vatican wrestles with pedophilia scandals, pinning the pedophilia scandals
to the mat -- at least for the moment -- as the crowd cheers, watching the
young male muscles flexing. The Vatican ended up in a difficult lock but,
having the keys to heaven and hell, was able to pull out.

Dog mauling case in jury's hands, and what a mess. California, a state
usually known for its laid-back cleanliness and unconvential I'm okay
you're okay but not in my back yard because that's not cool today man
because Jupiter and Mars are not alright tonight ne'er-do-well glint in
its eye surfacity, today found its courtrooms awash in the blood of
several pekinese, chihuahua, and Jack Russell terriers. Out, out, damned
spot.

New giant iceberg adrift near Antarctica. That's right, Delaware has
seceded from the Union and boy are the folks in Baltimore glad. The whole
party aboard this Titanic country is raising a glass to this new
development -- and they've only seen the tip of it so far.

Sony robot sings, dances and isn't cheap. Would a singing, dancing robot
give itself away so easily? It's no tawdry robot slut. It costs as much as
a small car, and is a lot easier for Sony than getting into the automotive
business. A hot, willing replicant from Bladerunner might seems like a
bargain by comparison. How much is it worth to have a mechanical slave
retrieve your MGD from the fridge? Priceless.

Bin Laden family: He's still alive. Ooooh, alive and kickin'. Forever
young. Jeff Bin Laden, his older brother, a native of Austin, Texas,
reports: "Hell yeah, Ossie's still in the game. We were havin a little
barbecue [see lead story -eds] at the family ranch, down at our you know,
undisclosed location. Dick and him are gettinalongpurtywell. Both like
blackeyed peas, though Ossie's not one for the bacon souse we need to use
separate pots. Pain in the ass. And like I say, why can't we all can't we
all get get get along?" Bin Laden's mother, Susanna O. Bin Landen says,
"Well he's alive but I'm sad to report that sometimes he wakes in the
middle of the night and he's not eating any of the chicken-fried steak he
just keeps getting thinner and thinner." Harriet Beecher Bin Laden, his
second cousin reports: "I would never bed down with my second cousin. I
don't know where you heard that." Thomas Jefferson Bin Laden was reticent
with the AP: "Mistakes were made, I can tell you that. His little jihad
project just got way out of hand and well I can tell you that the boy
looks sickly. We all get a little stressed now and then. We all make
mistakes I can tell you that and we got our regrets but you know." Tammy
Faye Bin Laden, his ex-wife reports, "I can neither shop nor show my face
in our mosque which is quite conservative by Texas standards and I haven't
seen my alimony nor my child support for near on six months. You think
he's dead? I think that fat bastard's lazy. That's what I think. Sama's
not dead, he's just avoiding his responserbiletes. But Mama told me it'd
all en' 'n tears."

-Scott Rettberg & Nick Montfort
[Mugshot of newspoets attached.]
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