[Newspoetry] Phone Call, late April 2002

[Scott Rettberg]

G: So glad, Vlad, you bein our friend in the war on Terra, glad you're on
board with that and I hope you understand our common interest in the
missiles to shoot down missiles things man you should see one of these
things at work.

V: Mr. President, as I say if there are certain concessions, we are sitting
at a table and we are both intelligent men in need of certain advantages.

G: Well I read your letter Vlad and don't get me wrong mean no harm but
these dayum treaties, you know, I just don't kin to that binding type of
thing that's how we got into trouble in the first place where it's a hassle
to deploy this exciting new technology, if you see what I mean so no.

V: No?

G: Well you talk about missile reductions and I say good, good for the world
but Vlad you got to think about the war on Terra.

V: Mr. President, I don't follow you, is miscommunication?

G: Well now you know you and your boys in Russia we're with you one hundred
percent and Chechens are dogs far as I'm concerned mop im up you go we're
all in this in the war on Terra.

V: Yes?

G: But you got to consider that there's the possibility that a rogue
nation'll spring up somewhere out there mideast or say Osama or somesuch
grab hold of Iraq or the like. We're gonna need them nukes.

V: But Mr. President the proliferation is such that we could blow the world
to bits 500 times were it not impossible.

G: Gotcha, right, gotcha. But see Vlad we're still the superpower round here
see and we've got commitments and I say we can't know what's gonna come
tomorrow so does America sign treaties I don't think so.

V: Agreement is very important in the eyes of world. Harmony and
cooperation.

G: Right, and you never know say god forbid one of them Russian mafiosos
took you out and suddenly were looking at that all over again so anyway what
I'm saying is I think I'll just keep my sixgun thank you much and support my
missile project, we're friends, right? And I can do for you, Vlad. Make
things easier at home.

V: What about treaty you sign saying you move missiles out of service.

G: Now you're talking, Vlad, see this aint hard. I know what keeping up a
fleet of nukes. That's wrong, isn't it? Fleet is boats. Ah well, nowadays
that gets very expensive, what with upkeep, and I tell you what we'll write
you a check help you take down the old ones.

V: Is very expensive, it is. And we want peace.

G: What we all want and don't buy a Cadillac if you're on a Pinto budget, my
mamma always said.

V: You will sign treaty?

G: I will sign a treaty provide all it says is that I get to keep my ammo.
Now mind you, I will move my ammo from the missiles to a nearby locker, and
I'll only use the key for upkeep and whatnot. These are just spares. So I'll
do that for every warhead you destroy.

V: Is good plan. And economic cooperation and you grease skids for Russia in
NATO. We get to sit at table.

G: Brother, we're both good on TV, am I right?

V: We work well.

G: Fuck it, let's do some shots. You got some Vodka over there? We should
hook us up a videophone. Ted, bring me that Booker's. Down the hatch. Vlad,
you and me, we're gonna get us some kick ass missiles shielding us in the
sky.

V: To reduce nuclear proliferation.

G: Shit, you see this asshole in Cuba? I tell you what, that old creep
shoulda stayed on the peanut farm. YOU DAMN RIGHT IT AINT AN OFFICIAL VISIT.
I can't watch this shit. Can you imagine if Gorbie was pulling this shit on
you. Ted, get us a game, get us some baseball, please. I can't work this
damn remote, Vlad, I tell you. Anyway just run the language past Colon. You
like that, Colon? You get it? His name's really Colin. Colon like, never
mind, never mind. We like our nicknames. Peace and harmony, my man, I'm
gonna send you some ribs. We'll lick this war on Terra yet. Gotta go,
thanks.