[Newspoetry] NEWSPOEM -- World Needs Enema

[Newton Bigelow]

World Needs Enema

Dateline Madrid --

  Election results got you down?  Fear of war giving you insomnia?  Why not take a load off and chew over these juicy newsbits from around the world ...

  The United Kingdom and Spain announced today their intention to continue talks aimed at resolving the question of joint sovereignty, a move most residents of 'The Rock' bitterly oppose.

  Why?

  Have you ever been to Gibralter?  Believe me, this is not a place worth fighting over ...

  Meanwhile, the former President of France, Valerie Escargot du Stank, stated that Turkey could never join the European Union, because the Turks are just "too different" from the rest of Europe.  Now, I know that not all French people are arrogant, pompous, and xenophobic.  But all it takes is a few bad apples to give the whole place a bad name ...

  Ex-Butler and soon-to-be tabloid TV darling Paul Burrell has amazingly become some sort of folk hero for keeping a stash of his late employer's private possessions, then releasing scandalous details of the lives of the decadent British idle class.  At this point, I think it's fair to say that the only people left who are tittilated by the piggish behavior of the Royals are necrophiliacs and urine fetishists, and even they are starting to look a little bored ...

  Gerhard Schroeder, Chancellor of Germany, has reportedly telephoned US President George W. Bush in an effort to smooth things over after a former German official compared Bush to Hitler.  Bush is apparently playing hard-to-get, reportedly claiming that he thought making inflammatory speeches in the Reichstag was one of those charming German traditions, like leather shorts and schweinnasebrauten ...

  Finally, UNESCO has proclaimed November 10  "World Science Day for Peace".  Planned celebrations evidently consist of parading up and down engineering campuses and purchasing consumer goods.  Buy a PDA for Peace! Bomb Iraq, no!  "Special Forces Commando" for the X-box, hell yeah! Just remember, you can't hug a child with Nuclear Arms, but I guarantee a genetically-altered glow-in-the-dark rabbit will make the kiddies forget all about this 'war' business ...

  See? Outrageous things happen all over the world, every day.  Don't let a little midterm election fiasco get you down.  

  Oh, I forgot to mention it, looks like the Bubonic Plague is back ...


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