[Newspoetry] CNN headlines

[Editor-Within-Chief]

"Scientists identify french fry cancer clue"

BETHESDA, MD (Associated Poets) -- Scientists at the National Cancer 
Institute have uncovered new evidence about the causes of cancer 
among french fries.  The latest study compared french fries which had 
been fried in a variety of oils with a control group which was left 
in the freezer, and found no incidence of cancer in any of the 1,304 
fries participating in the study.  This casts doubt on the theory 
that oil causes cancer in french fries, advanced by the late E. 
Fitzgerald Whittaker IV, an idiot.

"U.N. weapons head to meet Iraqis"

NEW YORK (Associated Poets) -- Weapons from the United Nations's 
arsenal are headed for Baghdad to attend a meeting with Iraqi 
weapons.  The weapons are making the trip to compare notes at a time 
when there is increasing concern that they will be used.  "We want 
people to be aware that we are dangerous no matter who uses us," a 
spokesweapon said in a prepared statement.

"Tiger breaks loose, is killed"

PALM SPRINGS, CA (Associated Poets) -- Tiger Woods escaped from the 
tiny, windowless room in which he is kept between golf tournaments 
and began running desperately towards Mexico.  He was killed by a 
truck while attempting to cross a divided highway.  The driver of the 
truck was unharmed.  He will doubtless be remembered as a man whose 
will to excel at golf was exceeded only by his ultimately fatal 
desire to elude his captors.

-- 
Joe Futrelle
Editor-within-chief
http://www.newspoetry.com/