[Newspoetry] ArmChair War Strategist Leaks Game Plan

[Donald L Emerick]

DateLine: Washington DC, 06 April 2003
[An NP SPECIAL REPORT]
ArmChair War Strategist Leaks Game Plan

In a daring move to show that the US War Strategy is still alive and on track, the beleaguered Bush Administration today sent its planner-in-chief, Deputy Secretary of  Defense Paul Wolfowitz, out on a Talk Show Blitzkrieg today.   PW popped successively, though elusively, into the studios of Face the Nation, Meet the Press, and Fox/CNN Sunday -- narrowly missing a mid-air broadcast collision, at the latter, with a heavily armed regularly scheduled propaganda show.  PW appeared to be completely unharmed.  Despite the near-miss, some critics suggested that he may tried to put his suave face into one too many foxholes.  "Yes, I and my war plans are alive: despite the incredible shock and awe campaign of the enemy, in their decapitation strike at me, I am alive and ready to carry on the fight.  We shall prevail, God willing!"

The DepDefSec, PW, said the war was on schedule, but totally declined to identify what that schedule was.  "If I told you, I'd have to kill you," said PW as he ordered accompanying Marines to fire on his command.  The tense standoff ended abruptly, when the newsperson unconditionally surrendered the microphone to PW, so that he could just say whatever he damned well pleased to the American people.  Said one of PW's aide, admiringly, "Isn't the Free Press one of the most remarkable institutions of our democracy!?!  Where else, but in the leading country of the Free World, would the Free Press voluntarily give up its sacred right and precious duty to examine critically strategic-war architects like PW?  Morale will never sag for our C-i-C."

When asked about the "show-the-flag" sally of a heavy armored brigade that punched through enemy positions around Baghdad, and then rapidly retreated, PW said "That shows the enemy, especially those hidden mobile divisions lurking in the Washington DC area, that my war plans are working, effectively.  We can still win this war!"  A reporter who wanted to ask, "Does that mean we can still lose this war, as well?" as ignored, as PW raced away to another palace for yet another staged encounter with the allegedly hostile forces of the media.  Joked the reporter, as PW fled, and just before his arrest, For Reasons of National In-Security, "Hey, it's only friendly fire; I'm one of you guys...  don't shoot, don't shoooo..."  The reporter remains MIA, although some speculate that he may not have survived the wounds he may have suffered.  "Like Lynch's injuries, though, they may all have been fabricated back in the studio, to better meet our stringent news streaming.  We all know that only the later, little noticed substantial corrections are the true news about the war."  said one media mogul who refused to reveal himself.

No reporter for the rest of the day dared to ask PW about the actual performance of the troops in the field, but this reporter will mention that rumors of US difficulties on the battlefield, in the approach to Baghdad are simply lacking in foundation.  An official, high in the Bush Administration, but who declined to be named, had said earlier today:  "What if the troops have stalled twenty five miles outside Baghdad, for the last week?  It's a choke hold on them -- but we do not intend to engage in a siege.  Look at our battlefield assessments: why we report only 100 allied dead and easily have reported more than 10,000 enemy dead.  Look at the ground game: we have conquered over 45% of the country to date; although most of it is just sandy desert, that's where the oil is!  We have even seized the major airport near Baghdad, although there have been no flights into or out of there for a few weeks.  (And, no, we are not going to subsidize the former Saddam International Airways, even though we have been giving billions to all of the airline companies in the US, since 9/11.)  Yes, the sand-storms will be picking up again over the next week, and there will not be much going on.  Yes, the afternoon sun seems to be pushing temperatures into the high 90s -- but it's a dry desert heat -- not like those nasty hot days in the humid MidWest.  Yes, our troops have neither cold beer nor cold water (and little of any water): but, at least their coffee stays piping hot all day!  It's all part of our winning war plan. And we'll win."  However, the official refused to comment on what "winning" is, though, he said, defensively, "it depends on what "is" winning."

At another of the shows, PW bragged that the coalition of the willing had recently been augmented by fighting units from two others nations, Britain and Australia.  When asked what percentage of the real fighting against enemy combat troops was being done by such allies, PW briefly extended DEFSEC Rumsfeld's terse diplomatic statement, "'None,' but we let them police the rear echelons and clean up the already cleared sites, where some enemy civilians may still have some weapons lying around in their hovels."  One reported asked if the weapons could possibly have been planted, to make good footage for the allegedly live media coverage of this war.  "Oh, absolutely not!" said PW amusedly.  "Why would we plant weapons, just for the propaganda value that it would give us against our enemies?"

Another reporter asked about the failure of the US forces to find weapons of mass destruction (aka WMD), to date.  PW said, "WMD are rather like snarks.  You have to hunt for them for a long time, before you know exactly what you are hunting for.  And, I think the Iraqi WMD could be over in Syria, but they might be in Iran, as well.  There's even a chance they could be in Saudi Arabia.  Time is on our side.  Make no mistake about it!  We will find them wherever they may be, even if we have to rip down every building, burn up every town, or over throw every regime in the Middle East, to find them.  My war plan is that big!"

However, despite these sensational PW disclosures on the first two media nets, PW waited until he reached Fox to drop the Mother of all Wars announcements.  "I have been in touch with US President Bush, at least daily, since this war began.  Yes, he is still alive, still hidden from enemy attacks, deep in the bunkers of one of the presidential palaces.  Those were not doubles of him who appeared at the sheltered air base or at the recent new conferences, in undisclosed locations in DC.  Bush does not use doubles and stand-ins like all of the dictators in the world.  If there is a trigger there to be pulled, or a switch on an electric chair to be thrown, Bush doesn't want just to experience vicarious thrills.  We have built him a complete War-Simulator, so he can virtually stand-in the shoes of any soldier, sailor or flier.  He can even feel the vibrations of exploding bombs, smell the smoke of smouldering ruins, hear the cries of the wounded and the dying, taste the blood, sweat, toil and tears of those who fight and die.  We will soon be asking Congress, in a supplemental, to award him Purple Hearts for his virtual wounds, and Medals of Honor for his well simulated heroism.  Yes, America can stand tall and proud as it finally recognizes the many self-sacrifices of this great wartime leader."

Thanks for listening,
Donald L Emerick,
NP Reporter at large
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