[Newspoetry] Appliances. not pot

[emerick at chorus.net]

Here's one, from the Make-A-Wis Foundation:


DateLine: San Mateo Laboratories, 04-06-04
Researchers here were burbling in glee today at their ground-breaking development of low energy marijuana.  Said Chief Scientist Sad Sam Jones, "For years, man has wanted to be able to produce marijuana for ordinary domestic consumption, but the cost-energy yield curve has been so prohibitively high that only the richest tycoons have been able to enjoy the luxury of smoking, chewing, or baking marijuana.  Our announcment today culminates decades of research.  No longer will police have to hunt down and punish people who exceed their energy budgets.  Brown outs will become a thing of the past, as true brownies rejoin the food chain, as the missing link between diet and appetite."

"Moreover, we are not unmindful of our debt to society.  Our focus, in this small business incubator has been funded by Federal Small Business Loans and various grants from state and local governments.  With such wonderful social capital partnerships, we can now joyfully join the throngs of millions of other American businesses that gladly pay almost all of the taxes that this country ever raises -- because consumers with ever greater disposable income always have more to spend, to buy our products.  What goes around, comes back around, twice as large: Rolling Stones do gather moss, or grass, or green stuff."

Political Pundits were divided today, with some irrational fractions insisting that the Burning Bush Administration would soon be able to repeal its new Forest Logging Program, because back roads through wilderness areas would no longer be needed by the Marijuana Cultivation Societies to reach their furtive plots.  Others said Beta-test sites would still be needed, to confirm San Mateo's discoveries.  Said Ranger Smokey Jo Schmidt, "The problem of Beta testing is the same everywhere: everyone wants to get in on the ground floor, to test this new low energy, high yield substance.  So many applicants have applied for permits that we at the Deforestation Bureau imagine that we shall be unable to finish evaluating all applicants for at least a decade."

A Burning Bush spokeperson, behind the scenes, off te record, said additional funding could be fortcoming, if the Bureau would just explain its budget request as vital to ending the War-on-Terrorism-as-we-know-it.  "For instance," the shadow sinistal ministerial insider said, "the wide-spread availability of commercially-low energy would reduce our dependence on hig-cost foreign imports, thus reducing the exposure of our society to wars for control of the critical pot markets.  Moreover, less energy usage would end our need to wage proxy wars for control of the oil we have needed in the past to grow the minimal pot stocks we now produce.  We can even close down the National Pot Reserves, whose stocks been painly accummulated from forced contributions from pot users.  Finally, we no longer need to criminalize marijuana, in effort to reduce its domestic consumption -- we can let demand, once again, be elastic.  This, incidentally, means that we can release from custody and par!
 ole the 10% of the population that currently serves time in the old Terrorism War, the one against Drugs."

Yes, indeed, my fellow Americans -- we can all celebrate San Mateo's announcement today -- if the early reports can be confirmed.  A year from now, Sad Sam and is colleages could all be smoking in Stockholm, receiving the Nobel Prize for Peace.

Scientifically yours,
Don Don Emerick,
or Don**2, to his friends


From: Wendy Edwards <wedwards at uiuc.edu>
Date: 2004/04/06 Tue PM 01:15:47 CDT
To: newspoetry at lists.groogroo.com
Subject: [Newspoetry] Appliances. not pot

I'm pretty sure somebody could come up with a good newspoem about
this....

http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/news/breaking_news/8298678.htm

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