[Newspoetry] My Thinking Problem

[Marcus Bales]

Found Poem: My Thinking Problem

It started out innocently 
enough. I began to think 
at parties now and then
"to loosen up." 
Inevitably though, 
one thought led to another, and soon 
I was more than just a social thinker. 
I began to think alone 
"to relax," 
I told myself
though I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more 
and more important to me 
and finally I was thinking
all the time. 
I even began to think 
on the job. I knew 
thinking and employment don't mix
but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid 
friends at lunchtime 
so I could read. 
I often returned to the office 
dizzied and confused,and asked
"What is it exactly we are doing here?" 
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. 
One day the boss called me in. 
He said, "I like you --
and it hurts me to say this --
but your thinking has become a real problem. 
If you don't stop thinking on the job 
you'll have to find other work."

This gave me a lot to think about. 
I went home early after that.
"Sweetheart," I confessed, 
"I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking
and if you don't stop, 
I want a divorce!"

"But darling, it can't be that serious."

"It is that serious!
You think as much as, as
college professors, 
and college professors don't make any money, 
so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, 
and it went downhill from there.

Soon I'd had enough. 
"I'm going to the library," I snarled 
as I stomped out the door.
I was in the mood for some Nietzsche.
With NPR on the radio,
I roared into the parking lot and 
ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn't open. 
The library was closed. 
To this day, I believe
that a Higher Power 
was looking out for me that night. 

As I sank to the ground clawing at 
the unfeeling glass, 
whimpering for Zarathustra, 
I saw a poster --
you know the one:

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?"

A Thinker's Anonymous poster.

That's why I am what I am today: 
a recovering thinker. 
I never miss a TA meeting. 
We watch noneducational videos --
 last week it was "Porky's." 
Then we share our experiences 
about how we've avoided thinking since 
the last meeting. 
I still have my job, 
and things are a lot better 
at home, too.

Life just seemed ... easier, 
somehow, 
as soon as I stopped thinking.

Soon, I'll be able to 
vote Republican.