[Newspoetry] Nader wins Presidency in Landslide...

[Donald L Emerick]

Nader wins Presidency in Landslide...
Doualpe Hitayefsky, reporting

Let's review some of the key events in the  mostamazing history of these last few days of a bitterly contested and closely fought campaign.

John Kerry spent that early morning Thursday hunting, in Ohio, for what he needed.  Before he went out campaigning, though, Kerry grabbed his shot gun and hunted down some defenseless geese and ducks.  He enjoyed the killing, just as he planned to enjoy his kill, later.

Noting that he had bagged his quarry, Kerry quipped, "I've shot and bagged the Bush goose in Ohio.  A bird in the bag is worth two in the Bush."

Michael Moore recanted his endorsement of Kerry when news of the fowl slaughter burned and singed his ears.  "I guess I should have told Kerry to see Columbine as well as Fahrenheit 911," he moaned.  "I guess it's Nader for me, from now on -- he never hunts and never shoots to kill."

A Press Corps attache chuckled, throatily, and then cleared his nose noisily, as he queried Moore, "What about all those jobs you were saying Bush's Corporate America had lost?  Isn't the trashing of America by Team Bush important to you anymore?  Isn't a vote for Nader just a vote for Bush, by another name?"

"No, not really, not if you believe in all of your heart that it really doesn't matter who is elected President if he turns out to be just another variety of some damned killer, a terminator is always already an exterminator.  A guy who will shoot harmless -- if sometimes pesky -- ducks will show no mercy toward moral beings whose innocence is far more dubious and much more debatable."  And with that, Moore ambled off stage, unwilling to finish a rally that he had so gleefully entered upon earlier that day.

When word of Moore's disenchantment, disaffection, and alienation reached Kerry's ears, they too burned and singed.  His face was drawn down into a long frown, his ears appeared to mist for a moment.  And, then, he made the most shocking political statement of his entire life.

"That's right," Kerry said, again, for those of us who could not believe our ears, who were fumbling with our cameras, who were struggling witrh mikes and notepads, to record the shocking, electrifying statement of the Democratic Presidential nominee: "I, John Kerry, do hereby renounce and abandon my quest and possible claim to the throne of the Presidency of the United States of America.  As of this moment, I shall head for a seminary, to contemplate my mortal sins, in loving killing, and in pursuing that vain love for such vain and petty ends as being elected President.  I urge all American to think, again, of the Absolute Rightness of Ralph Nader, and to vote for him as you would have voted for me.  GoodMorning, GoodAfternoon, GoodEvening, and GoodNight.  Oh, yes, and may God bless America."

Word soon seeped out, of Kerry's startling announcement.  First to react was VicePresident Dick Cheney, who immmediately stated that he, for his part, was "... not giving up the Presidency just because of silly duck hunt."  In response to a reporter's follow-up question, the VicePresident paused and considered the inquiry.  Then, he clarified his statement, "I mean, of course, that Bush and I are not giving up Our Presidency."

On the other hand, Bush was as visibly stunned as he was on 911.  He sat down on the stage, dumbfoundedly -- or maybe, just dumbly, because he looked quite lost -- not just for words (his usual excuse) but for thoughts, of which the words are but tokens.  

<<Editor's note: Thinking is transactional, like an exchange with reality -- the small coins of words do not mark the price we pay for knowledge, understanding, and experience -- they merely reflect what is left over -- what is counted out, what could have been counted out, in other words, in larger and smaller denominations, all adding up to the same amount.>>

Bush was moved, emotionally, by the thought of his adversary Kerry disappearing in remorse and repentance.  Bush could be heard, mumbling to himself, "Well, I certainly prayed for a clear victory over Kerry -- and I promised the Lord I'd do about anything, but I never knew He'd answer so swiftly, so unexpectedly.  What's it all mean -- What is God telling me?"

Then, Bush stood up, tall, on the stage -- looking like the man he once had been, the one who spoke so movingly at the National Cathedral, about National Purpose and National Unity, after 911.  His words were every bit as much shocking and awe-geeing to the American people, as Kerry's words had been, short moments before.

"My fellow Americans," the President began, "I have just learned of Senator Kerry's gracious withdrawal from the Presidential contest.  I want you to know that I admire the Senator from Massachusetts in many ways.  I think I understand his tragic grief at the loss of Michael moore's endorsement -- because of that duck hunting incident."

"Indeed, the more I thought about the matter, the more I became convinced that the death penalty, as applied to ducks -- geese -- and fowl -- and, gee, why any living creature that God saw fit to create and put on this here Earth -- why, the more i became convinced that I, too, was a murdering, lying lowdown piece of scum -- just as my critics have always charged."

"But, news of Senator Kerry's withdrawal hit me like a flash in the gold digger's pan -- like the Damascus flash that struck Saul before he renamed himself Paul.  The Lord works in mysterious and powerful ways."

"I'm not going to argue with the Lord, like some blamed fool.  He's sent me a message -- and I must respond.  I shall follow Kerry and likewise withdraw immediately from this vain, foolish and unworthy Presidential contest.  I urge all of you, then, to do as Senator Kerry has divined -- go out and vote for Ralph Nader for President.  He's the only decent man among the three of us -- and none of us are worthy to lick his boots -- if ever he would wear any."

And, so, pundits that evening and morning, day after day, until the election, were uncertain of what these signs really meant. Would the American people go out and vote for the best man -- or would they stick by their traditional loyalties and vote for the Party most likely to have successfully deceived them?

But, on election day itself, the skies were clear, and hearts were remarkably pure.  Nader won, quite remarkably as well, considering that his response to the Whole Duck incident had been "This sounds like the Two-Party Monopoly is conspiring to fix the election, again.  If elected, I shall investigate -- and if there has been wrong-doing, I shall visit punishment on them, proportionate to their crimes."