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Los Alamos Fire Revelation

The fire at Los Alamos has one significant consequence. A secret
scientific
document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly
destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last
weekend.

Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does
show
that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead,
mercury,
radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive
element also exists.

Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the
heaviest
element known to science. This startling new discovery has been
tentatively
named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.  This new
element
has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does,
however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons,
and
111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which
are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. 
Since
it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected
as
it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes
one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take
less
than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately
three
years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which
a
portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader
neutrons exchange places.

In fact, a Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time,
since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become
neutrons
forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons
reach a
certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to
as the "Critical Morass".