[Peace-discuss] Faith-Based Homeland Anxiety

[Morton K.Brussel]

Satire and humor. FYI.

MKB

ZNet Commentary
Substitute Bush’s Faith for Preparation H January 23, 2004
By Saul Landau

Happy New Year! 2004 may become known as the year that the newly 
created Department of Faith-Based Homeland Anxiety helped George W. 
Bush slip back into the White House.

At the very end of 2003, Tom Ridge, the Minister of Homeland Security 
raised the national alert level from yellow to orange.

"It’s an orange alert again," I told my wife. "We better take the 
proper precautions against a terrorist attack."

"Should we stop watering the lawn?" she asked, "or not call the plumber 
when the toilet is leaking? Maybe, we should stay indoors, except when 
absolutely necessary -- like going to the liposuction clinic. And don’t 
forget to keep our guns cocked and alarm system on full battery charge 
24 hours a day."

"Whatever you do," she jabbed sarcastically, "don’t check suspicious 
books out of the library on yellow, orange or red color coded days and 
make sure that the used book store owner doesn’t actually write down 
the title of any of the paperbacks you buy there -- like The Case of 
the Poisoned Well Water."

"And for goodness sake, don’t buy an almanac."

"Huh?"

"There’s an AP story in the December 30 LA Times that says the FBI sent 
a Christmas eve bulletin to 18,000 police organizations warning them to 
watch out for people carrying almanacs, because terrorists may use them 
‘to assist with target selection and pre-operational planning.’"

"And," she shouted as I tried to escape, " if you have an almanac, 
don’t write in it, because the cops will be watching for people with 
such books at traffic stops and if you have the name of a tall building 
underlined, your ass is grass Cass. And stop looking so worried."

It’s bad enough that I feel totally inadequate after each day’s message 
barrage from radio, TV, newspapers, magazines, internet pop ups, email 
spam and billboard signs, but now I feel apprehensive about going 
anywhere. What does that add up to? High orange alert on the day my 
daughter is due to fly in from New York.

"Oh, it’s just that uptight Tom Ridge playing with his M&Ms," a cynical 
friend remarked. "If he has information about a terrorist attack on the 
United States, why doesn’t he tell us the details? Or is it that he 
wants to share the information only with the terrorists, not the 
intended victims?"

What happened to brown? I ask myself. Does chocolate signify 
contentment? Is that why Ridge de-selected it from his otherwise 
perfect M&M choices?
Indeed, arch right wing southern California Republican Congressman 
Christopher Cox supposedly compared the utility of Ridge’s color code 
system to that of a toboggan in Baghdad.

No matter, I wrung my hands, as did millions of other. I had memorized 
my color chart. The low risk days of course merit a green; generalized 
risk is blue. Yellow means significant peril and orange -- like the 
warning color on traffic lights -- means high risk if you go ahead. 
Red? Don’t even think about it.

How does one handle all of this? The descriptions don’t give enough 
details.

Millions of Americans, however, did line up for endless "security 
checks" at airports and shopping malls, and any other site that 
"security" authorities could conjure.

Just before the end of the year, the "security" bosses forced the 
cancellation of several flights from Paris to Los Angeles and demanded 
armed guards on overseas flights.

Coast Guard boats sped back and forth across the main harbors. Armed 
guards patrolled bridges and reservoirs. Others manned posts at key 
electrical grids. Guns and flak jackets, radios and other gadgets hung 
from their vests and belts. Security!

A friend and former sailor asked one of the cost guard officials what 
he and his crew were looking for as they cruised between Santa Barbara 
and Oxnard on the California coast.

"Damned if I know," the officer said. "No one told us what to look for. 
They just ordered us to carry out 24 hour patrols during the high 
orange alert period. We didn’t see anything but a small possible 
marijuana boat. But my crew and I didn’t get to spend Christmas at home 
with our families."

I found it hard to focus: The cacophony of jingle bells blaring from 
the speakers of mall stores, demands that I buy now -- whatever it is 
-- before prices go up and the ever present warnings of impending 
terrorist violence. So, I turned on the TV, the best way to enjoy 
distraction. I watched the well conditioned and steroid laden men break 
each other’s bones and tear ligaments, listened to the intricate 
analysis of the strategy behind these "real macho" games -- by those 
who used to play and survived in more or less one piece.

I watched a rerun of The Sopranos to feel assured that Mafia dons feel 
the same anxieties that ordinary people suffer--problems with wives, 
kids, treacherous associates and former girlfriends. And then, with 
baited breath, I along with 18 million of my countrymen and women 
absorbed the wisdom and wit of Michael Jackson as he told his side of 
the story to Ed Bradley on the December 28 60 Minutes.

Ironically, this was nine million less than had watched last February’s 
ABC special, Living With Michael Jackson. That program, of course, was 
aired before the family of Michael’s former child friend turned on him. 
Apparently, and this is a truly important rumor on which to focus, 
Michael has turned over the management of his assets and media 
appearances to the Nation of Islam. That alone, which was quickly 
denied and then reasserted, and endless shopping of course, should spur 
enough mindless conversation to help us distract ourselves from the 
omnipresent dread of: when will the next terrorist attack that Ridge 
assures us is inevitable occur?

"Have faith," the KKLA AM radio preacher advised as His way to deal 
with this insecurity. "Faith in Jesus will lead you from the darkness 
of selfish worrying about your own safety and into the light of 
salvation."

Yes, I think. Have faith in Jesus and forget all your doubts and 
worries, all the unanswered questions. Stop thinking altogether and let 
mellow voiced AM radio preacher John MacArthur program your mind and 
your behavior. Just try his "how-to plan to help relieve anxiety and 
depression and guide you to a more trusting God honoring life. Find 
deep seated satisfaction, no matter what you’re facing."

I await the answer as the program ends and another radio preacher 
intones.

"There’s something better than Moses, better than Freud, better than 
Prozac. That’s Jesus."

Florida has just opened a faith-based prison. How many hardened 
murderers and rapists will find Jesus in the hole?

Don’t laugh. Faith has delivered President Bush from his alcoholism, or 
at least that’s what he claims. People who had violent pasts, like the 
late Eldridge Cleaver, found faith in Jesus. Indeed, Nixon trickster 
Chuck Colson even started a born-again group of A-types when he got out 
of prison after serving time for his hanky panky against the Democrats 
while serving in the White House.

In the evening, I fell asleep and dreamed that Colson launched a 
campaign to recruit heavy duty sinners in 2004. Colson even reached 
Saddam Hussein with the message of salvation -- before he went to 
trial. The former Iraqi dictator, seeing the light, became a born-again 
Muslim for Jesus. The Bush re-election campaign employed him as the big 
draw at fundraisers for the truly kinky Republican set. An evening with 
Saddam Hussein was worth at least 25K for the re-election campaign.

In the dream, the President addressed skeptical members of his campaign 
staff: "I’m a forgiving man. Saddam has confessed his sins -- and they 
were truly terrible. But now he has earned God’s forgiveness. I turned 
to Jesus and I was forgiven. We must now allow this sinner -- even if 
he is an A-rab -- to receive God’s blessings."

"Hallelujah!" they shouted.

The dream moved toward total nightmare. To provide non-financial help 
for his re-election -- God’s wish -- Bush formalized the Department of 
Faith Base Homeland Anxiety led by Minister Pat Robertson Jr.  He hired 
Saddam Hussein as a "consultant" to appear on TV to tell Americans of 
what horrors they will face if "a weak Man (any Democrat) wins the 
presidency."

The Democratic candidates squabbled over exactly which of them he meant 
by "weak."

"Wake up," my wife screamed. "You’re having a bad dream."

"I hope it’s only a dream," I told her, "and not one of those biblical 
prophecies."

Landau’s new book is THE PRE-EMPTIVE EMPIRE: A GUIDE TO BUSH’S KINGDOM. 
His new film is SYRIA: BETWEEN IRAQ AND A HARD PLACE. He teaches at Cal 
Poly Pomona University and is a fellow of the Institute for Policy 
Studies.