[Peace-discuss] Subtext of last night's debate

[C. G. Estabrook]

JIM LEHRER: Good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer.

LEHRER: You may remember me from an earlier age of TV journalism, when we 
transmitted official lies and propaganda to our educated audience in a very 
calm, reassuring way. When oil companies weren't afraid to openly finance our 
efforts. Well, those days are gone now, lost amid all the shouting, sound 
effects, visual wipes, incomplete sentences, and the general hullaballoo that 
makes my aging brain hurt. Dear God how it hurts. Some days I want to just put a 
Tec 9 in my mouth and . . . (coughs). Tonight, we're honored to have the two 
leading candidates for president of the United States. Let's bring 'em out here! 
Fellas!

MCCAIN: (whispering) I'm taking you out, gook boy.

OBAMA: (whispering) Step up, cracka.

LEHRER: Gentlemen, thank you for being here. As you both know, tonight's format 
is designed to skim over complex issues and avoid talking about where the real 
power in the country resides. So feel free to pop off at will, regardless of 
facts or objective reality. Senator Obama, the economy. What's your view?

OBAMA: Jim, I was talking to some of my Wall Street backers earlier today, and 
they're hurting. This current crisis, started deliberately by the Bush 
administration with Sen. McCain as their dancing monkey, means of course that my 
rich and influential friends and supporters are going to need help. Lots of it. 
This is why I'll eventually support whatever bail out is coughed up in 
Washington. But I want the working people of America to know that I'll continue 
speak out of both sides of my mouth, will employ the term "Wall Street/Main 
Street" for as long as my advisers say it resonates, and will look good while 
doing it. That's my promise to the middle class.

MCCAIN: Jim, what Sen. Obama is refusing to say is that neither one of us really 
cares about average working people. If we did, we wouldn't be up here, 
surrounded by Secret Service agents packing some of the finest heat this great 
nation still produces. But it's part of getting elected, so we go through the 
motions, say what our handlers think is best, and hope that it sticks. And you 
know what? It almost always does! I swear to God, the crap people will swallow 
in this country boggles what's left of my fading mind. As I was telling my dear 
friend General Petraeus the other day, "David, there's a knot on the back of my 
thigh. Do you think it's a clot? Should I have it checked? What time is chow?" 
And that's why overseeing an equitable bail out is so important to the economy.

LEHRER: Okay. Now that we got that out of the way, let's talk about war.

MCCAIN: (claps hands) Finally!

OBAMA: Jim, let me say that I'm just as eager to promote war as Sen. McCain.

LEHRER: Duly noted, Senator. Let's start with you, then. You're the new 
Commander in Chief. It's a scary world out there. How do you handle it?

OBAMA: With bombs, Jim. Cluster bombs, cruise missiles, white phosphorus -- 
whatever will do the job. The difference between Sen. McCain and myself is that 
when I call for expanded war, I sound reasonable, like the guy who has dozens of 
bodies stuffed in his crawlspace, but is able to explain away the stench while 
questioned by police. Sen. McCain lacks that kind of steadiness. If it was his 
house, he'd lose his temper and blow his cover. America needs a leader who can 
deny the corpses buried in the walls, and turn that rotting smell into freedom's 
potpourri.

MCCAIN: Once again, Sen. Obama's showing his inexperience. As any professional 
serial killer knows, you don't bury your victims inside the house, or even in 
the backyard. You take them to a neutral location, chop them up into easily 
disposable pieces, and disperse their remains over a wide area. Sen. Obama's 
plan rests on his ability to sweet talk the authorities into ignoring what their 
senses are telling them. In these dangerous times, that's not going to hold up. 
As my soulmate General Petraeus once put it, you can spread butter on pretty 
much anything, but freedom must contain essential proteins, and grass stains 
will come out if you pre-soak, but only if the air is dry. That's the kind of 
spirit America needs to believe in.

LEHRER: Gentlemen, let's get specific. Who do you plan to kill, and how?

OBAMA: Jim, I opposed the Iraq invasion, which was easy to do since I wasn't in 
the Senate yet, and so wasn't put on the spot. Since then, depending on polls 
and intelligence reports, I've hedged my bets about Iraq, but am now settling 
into the position shared by many leading imperial strategists. Yes, I'll 
continue to kill and suppress Iraqis, but our client regime there must help 
finance their own subjugation. It's only fair. As for Afghanistan, I defy Sen. 
McCain to match my bloodlust on that front. John talks a good game about blowing 
the living hell out of civilians there, but I'll actually do it. In fact, I 
can't wait to do it. It's near the top of my list. (pulls out list from breast 
pocket) See? Right there, Number 2, just under "Nail Anne Hathaway."

MCCAIN: Sen. Obama's leaving out his desire to bomb Pakistan, which is just crazy.

OBAMA:(shaking list at McCain) It's Number 5, John! Number 5! Don't misrepresent 
my position!

MCCAIN: Only a madman would try that. No, Jim, provoking, undermining, and 
perhaps eventually fighting Russia is the wisest course of action. I've been to 
Tibilisi, Gori, Rustavi, Reno, Chicago, Fargo, Minnesota, Buffalo, Toronto, 
Winslow, Sarasota, Wichita, Tulsa, Ottawa, Oklahoma, Tampa, Panama, Mattawa, La 
Paloma, Bangor, Baltimore, Salvador, Amarillo, Tocapillo, Baranquilla, and 
Perdilla. I'm a killer, Jim.

OBAMA: Jim, I protest Sen. McCain injecting Johnny Cash into this debate.

MCCAIN: Sen. Obama may be too young to know this, but I was doing the Hank Snow 
version.

LEHRER: Amazing as it seems, we've run out of time. Gentlemen, take a bow.

LEHRER: There you have it, America. One of these guys is going to run the place. 
Fortunately for me, I probably won't live to see how it all turns out. Goodnight 
everybody!

posted by Dennis Perrin at 12:23 PM
http://dennisperrin.blogspot.com/2008/09/how-lucky-we-are.html