[Peace-discuss] NYT op-ed about Cheney defending "enhanced" interrogation techniques

[Karen Medina]

[This was in the op-ed of the New York Times today, about Cheney
defending torture. Very odd writing indeed. Some parts of this sound
plausible for Cheney, some parts ridiculous, even for Cheney. -kem ]

April 29, 2009
OP-ED COLUMNIST
Vice’s Secret Vices

By MAUREEN DOWD
WASHINGTON

In a closed-door session on Tuesday, Dick Cheney testified before the
Senate Intelligence Committee, which is investigating the “enhanced”
interrogation techniques of “high value” detainees.

This columnist gained exclusive “access” to the classified testimony
of the “deeply missed” former vice president.

The chairwoman of the committee, Dianne Feinstein, began by telling
Cheney that she was “shocked personally” by what she had learned about
the brutality of the way prisoners were treated.

“Those insects weren’t even poisonous,” Cheney growled. “Facial slaps?
Abdominal slaps? Throwing a naked man into a wall? Kid stuff. Those
methods worked. They kept us safe for seven years. Safer than with
that delicate Hawaiian orchid in the White House. America is coming
across as weak and indecisive. Just when Rummy and I had stomped out
that ‘Blame America First’ flower-child culture, Obama has dragged it
back, apologizing profusely all over the world for the country he’s
running, canoodling with greasy dictators, kissing up to those weasels
in Europe, which is only free today because of our military. Friends
and foes alike will be quick to take advantage if they think they’re
dealing with a Creamsicle.”

Senator John McCain, looking disgusted, began yelling at Cheney,
telling him that waterboarding someone 183 times in a month was
against the law. “The Japanese who did that in World War II were tried
and hanged,” he sneered.

“Shut your piehole,” Cheney replied flatly. “Everyone’s sick of you
being an apologist for torture. Why don’t you go join that pantywaist
Specter on the other side where you belong?”

Senator Russ Feingold got into the fray, asking Cheney sarcastically:
“Can you tell us exactly which terrorist plots were foiled by
torture?”

Cheney offered his mirthless smile. “Certainly,” he replied. “Shortly
after 9/11, we disrupted a plot to assassinate a senator, penetrating
two terrorist cells and uncovering a Serbian scheme. Our interrogator
used a chokehold, threatened to withhold a detainee’s heart medicine,
and broke a few laws, but it was well worth it.”

Feingold interrupted with thinly veiled contempt: “You’re telling us
now that the Serbs are linked to Al Qaeda?”

Cheney nodded. “Of course. Then, the following year, we were able to
get a lead on an international terrorist named Syed Ali and stop a
nuclear bomb from being detonated in Los Angeles. Sure, an enemy
combatant was shot in the chest. Yes, a hacksaw came into play. There
was some wall slamming, throat grabbing and when Ali wouldn’t talk
because he was doing ‘Allah’s work,’ our agent had to feign the
shooting death of Ali’s first-born son. But in the end we averted
World War III with three Middle East countries and kept America safe
from a suitcase bomb.

“In 2004, we thwarted the spread of a deadly weaponized virus strain.
The following year, after some unsuccessful attempts at sensory
disorientation with detainees, we got a torture specialist who had a
way with a taser and his trusty syringe. Strict measures, like
breaking fingers one by one and using an electrical cord from a lamp
to shock a suspect, were necessary. We were under attack by a
terrorist named Habib Marwan who controlled a bunch of Middle East
terrorist cells. They were planning to meltdown nuclear power plants
across the country, shoot down Air Force One and set off a nuclear
missile. On top of that, we were dealing with a mole in our
counterterrorism unit.

“In 2006, after an incident with the man who made history by becoming
the first black president ...”

Senator Feinstein interrupted: “Excuse me, Mr. Cheney, are you talking
about Barack Obama?”

“I said the first black president,” Cheney snapped, before continuing:
“Our interrogator needed to do some things outside protocol. There was
an exploding vest, a foot digging into a wound, an injection of
pain-inducing hyoscine-pentothal, a threat to cut out the eyes of a
suspect being interrogated unless he confessed where the Sentox nerve
gas cannisters were. But the Geneva Conventions are a small thing to
give up when you consider that we broke up a nefarious plot that
reached to the highest levels — the Oval Office.”

Senator Olympia Snowe looked confused: “But you were in the Oval
Office in 2006, Mr. Cheney.”

Something dawned on Evan Bayh and he smiled grimly. “Didn’t it turn
out in the end, Dick,” he asked, “that some of these so-called
terrorist plots were really domestic villains with black ops teams
scheming to control the oil supply and get rich? Sort of like what you
did with Iraq and Halliburton?”

Cheney glared at him, saying “We’re the patriots.” Bayh walked over
and whispered something to the chairwoman.

“Mr. Cheney,” Feinstein said, sounding shocked, “your testimony is
delusional, not to mention derivative.”

Cheney looked apoplectic, not to mention apocalyptic. “How dare you,”
he cried, “demean our country’s finest counterterrorism agent, Jack
Bauer?”