[Peace-discuss] NYT op-ed about Cheney defending "enhanced" interrogation techniques

[John W.]

On Wed, Apr 29, 2009 at 1:45 PM, Karen Medina <kmedina67 at gmail.com> wrote:

[This was in the op-ed of the New York Times today, about Cheney
> defending torture. Very odd writing indeed. Some parts of this sound
> plausible for Cheney, some parts ridiculous, even for Cheney. -kem ]



Again, if I was a betting man, I'd bet almost all the money I have in the
world that this came from someplace like the Onion.  Cheney didn't say this
stuff, and neither did any of the other protagonists in this fake op-ed
piece.

John Wason





> April 29, 2009
> OP-ED COLUMNIST
> Vice’s Secret Vices
>
> By MAUREEN DOWD
> WASHINGTON
>
> In a closed-door session on Tuesday, Dick Cheney testified before the
> Senate Intelligence Committee, which is investigating the “enhanced”
> interrogation techniques of “high value” detainees.
>
> This columnist gained exclusive “access” to the classified testimony
> of the “deeply missed” former vice president.
>
> The chairwoman of the committee, Dianne Feinstein, began by telling
> Cheney that she was “shocked personally” by what she had learned about
> the brutality of the way prisoners were treated.
>
> “Those insects weren’t even poisonous,” Cheney growled. “Facial slaps?
> Abdominal slaps? Throwing a naked man into a wall? Kid stuff. Those
> methods worked. They kept us safe for seven years. Safer than with
> that delicate Hawaiian orchid in the White House. America is coming
> across as weak and indecisive. Just when Rummy and I had stomped out
> that ‘Blame America First’ flower-child culture, Obama has dragged it
> back, apologizing profusely all over the world for the country he’s
> running, canoodling with greasy dictators, kissing up to those weasels
> in Europe, which is only free today because of our military. Friends
> and foes alike will be quick to take advantage if they think they’re
> dealing with a Creamsicle.”
>
> Senator John McCain, looking disgusted, began yelling at Cheney,
> telling him that waterboarding someone 183 times in a month was
> against the law. “The Japanese who did that in World War II were tried
> and hanged,” he sneered.
>
> “Shut your piehole,” Cheney replied flatly. “Everyone’s sick of you
> being an apologist for torture. Why don’t you go join that pantywaist
> Specter on the other side where you belong?”
>
> Senator Russ Feingold got into the fray, asking Cheney sarcastically:
> “Can you tell us exactly which terrorist plots were foiled by
> torture?”
>
> Cheney offered his mirthless smile. “Certainly,” he replied. “Shortly
> after 9/11, we disrupted a plot to assassinate a senator, penetrating
> two terrorist cells and uncovering a Serbian scheme. Our interrogator
> used a chokehold, threatened to withhold a detainee’s heart medicine,
> and broke a few laws, but it was well worth it.”
>
> Feingold interrupted with thinly veiled contempt: “You’re telling us
> now that the Serbs are linked to Al Qaeda?”
>
> Cheney nodded. “Of course. Then, the following year, we were able to
> get a lead on an international terrorist named Syed Ali and stop a
> nuclear bomb from being detonated in Los Angeles. Sure, an enemy
> combatant was shot in the chest. Yes, a hacksaw came into play. There
> was some wall slamming, throat grabbing and when Ali wouldn’t talk
> because he was doing ‘Allah’s work,’ our agent had to feign the
> shooting death of Ali’s first-born son. But in the end we averted
> World War III with three Middle East countries and kept America safe
> from a suitcase bomb.
>
> “In 2004, we thwarted the spread of a deadly weaponized virus strain.
> The following year, after some unsuccessful attempts at sensory
> disorientation with detainees, we got a torture specialist who had a
> way with a taser and his trusty syringe. Strict measures, like
> breaking fingers one by one and using an electrical cord from a lamp
> to shock a suspect, were necessary. We were under attack by a
> terrorist named Habib Marwan who controlled a bunch of Middle East
> terrorist cells. They were planning to meltdown nuclear power plants
> across the country, shoot down Air Force One and set off a nuclear
> missile. On top of that, we were dealing with a mole in our
> counterterrorism unit.
>
> “In 2006, after an incident with the man who made history by becoming
> the first black president ...”
>
> Senator Feinstein interrupted: “Excuse me, Mr. Cheney, are you talking
> about Barack Obama?”
>
> “I said the first black president,” Cheney snapped, before continuing:
> “Our interrogator needed to do some things outside protocol. There was
> an exploding vest, a foot digging into a wound, an injection of
> pain-inducing hyoscine-pentothal, a threat to cut out the eyes of a
> suspect being interrogated unless he confessed where the Sentox nerve
> gas cannisters were. But the Geneva Conventions are a small thing to
> give up when you consider that we broke up a nefarious plot that
> reached to the highest levels — the Oval Office.”
>
> Senator Olympia Snowe looked confused: “But you were in the Oval
> Office in 2006, Mr. Cheney.”
>
> Something dawned on Evan Bayh and he smiled grimly. “Didn’t it turn
> out in the end, Dick,” he asked, “that some of these so-called
> terrorist plots were really domestic villains with black ops teams
> scheming to control the oil supply and get rich? Sort of like what you
> did with Iraq and Halliburton?”
>
> Cheney glared at him, saying “We’re the patriots.” Bayh walked over
> and whispered something to the chairwoman.
>
> “Mr. Cheney,” Feinstein said, sounding shocked, “your testimony is
> delusional, not to mention derivative.”
>
> Cheney looked apoplectic, not to mention apocalyptic. “How dare you,”
> he cried, “demean our country’s finest counterterrorism agent, Jack
> Bauer?”
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