[Peace-discuss] Obama tells another joke: Petraeus

[C. G. Estabrook]

	Heard Any Good War Jokes Lately?
	by Jeff Huber, June 22, 2010

The pratfall Dave Petraeus took face-first into his microphone during his 
farcical testimony to the Senate Armed Services Committee last Tuesday channeled 
the Twix candy bar commercial that asks: “Need a moment?” As the New York Times 
put it, the Teflon General was facing some intense questioning on the 
president’s order to begin reducing American forces in Afghanistan next year 
when he “slumped toward the microphone on his table.” Maybe Dave just needed 
some time think things over. Maybe he needed to stall while his driver ran out 
to see if he left his crib sheet in his government sedan.

The general returned to the floor a half hour after later claiming he “just got 
dehydrated.” Must have been from all the heat he was catching from the committee.

The hearing’s running gag was a manhood dance between committee members who 
wanted Petraeus to come right out and say Obama’s withdrawal timeline for 
Afghanistan makes dirt look smart and Petraeus wanting to agree that Obama’s 
timeline makes dirt look smart without coming right out and saying it. This bit 
of patter between Petraeus and committee chairman Carl Levin deserves an Emmy:

Levin: “Do you continue to support that July 2011 date for the start of 
reduction in U.S. forces from Afghanistan?”

Petraeus: “I support the policy of the president, Mr. Chairman…”

Levin: “When you say that you continue to support the president’s policy … does 
that represent your best personal professional judgment?”

Petraeus: “In a perfect world, Mr. Chairman, we have to be very careful with 
timelines…”

Levin: “Do I take that to be a qualified yes, a qualified no, or just a non-answer?”

Petraeus: “A qualified yes, Mr. Chairman.”

When the senior half of the comedy team McCain and Lieberman* asked Petraeus if 
he told Obama, as per a recent book by Joseph Alter of Newsweek, that he’s 
“confident we can train and hand over to the ANA” in 18 months, Petraeus’ 
qualified non-answer was, “Well, Senator, I’m not sure it’s productive to 
comment on conversations that took place in the Oval Office.”

After a three-Twix-bar think about it I couldn’t conjure a single thing that 
could possibly have been more productive at that testimony than commenting on 
Petraeus’ discussion with Obama in the Oval Office concerning withdrawal 
timelines. McCain apparently could, though, because he said, “I understand that. 
I understand that.” He must have said it twice in case nobody believed him the 
first time.

Petraeus’ next non-answer was an unqualified masterpiece of bull-feather 
artistry. McCain asked “Do you agree with the comment of [Afghan] President 
Karzai’s former intelligence chief that Karzai has lost confidence in the 
ability of the United States and NATO to succeed in Afghanistan?”

Petraeus replied that his protégé Stan McChrystal, commander in Afghanistan, had 
“no sense” that there was “a lack of confidence in the United States’ commitment 
to Afghanistan.” To further support his position, he added, “The fact that we 
have more than tripled … our forces … is of enormous significance.”

Note Petraeus’ sleight-of-tongue here: the issue was whether the United States 
could succeed in Afghanistan, not whether it would commit to Afghanistan. They 
are not the same thing, at least not in any sane interpretation of the terms. We 
cannot possibly succeed at anything in Afghanistan other than running our ship 
of state aground. Committing to a course that will run us aground, however, 
seems to be the war mongrels’ goal, hence Petraeus’ observation that tripling 
our number of forces there constitutes “success.”

McCain then called Petraeus one of “America’s great heroes” but cautioned that 
he continued to worry about “the message we are sending to the region” by not 
making an even larger, even more open-ended commitment there than we’ve already 
made. That’s when Petraeus did his Chevy Chase impersonation and they carried 
his skinny carcass out of the room. Here’s how the dialogue went when Petraeus 
came back:

Petraeus: “Senator, my apologies.”

Levin: “Are you kidding?”

Petraeus: “I got a little bit light-headed there. It wasn’t Senator McCain’s 
questions, I assure you.”

Levin: “I know, it was mine.”

Petraeus: “No, it’s just that…”

Levin: “Clear me, too, would you, with the same breath, if you would? Just kidding.”

Can these guys be bloody serious?

Testimony the next day by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs 
Chairman Mike Mullen was equally bathetic, perhaps even more so. Gates and 
Mullen both asked the committee to be “patient” and allow them to make America’s 
longest war even longer. They’re like the lunatics who think we needed to have 
more patience with the Vietnam War. After all, we only committed a decade and a 
half-million troops to that conflict. Just think; if we had redoubled our 
efforts in Vietnam we’d still be winning there.

Gates, predictably, blamed the media for America’s disaffection for the war in 
Afghanistan. “The narrative,” he rued, is “too negative.”

Hmm. We’re backing a crooked ruler who stole an election and relying on his drug 
lord brother for intelligence. McChrystal himself called the Marjah offensive an 
“open sore,” and he had to delay the Kandahar offensive because nobody in 
Kandahar wants us to liberate them. We can’t even make up our minds who the 
enemy is. Is it the Taliban or is it al-Qaeda or is it the Pakistani security 
forces or is it Iran or maybe even the Turks? Wait: I bet it’s those crafty 
Chinese people! Or maybe that Venezuela guy we don’t like, Chavez or whatever 
his name is.

The comedians who put on last week’s Senate Armed Services Committee burlesque 
should retire from their day jobs and write full time for Saturday Night Live. 
Lord knows the present manifestation of SNL needs all the help it can get. In 
fact, the best stratagem for fixing both our failed foreign policy and our bad 
television programming might be a role reversal: put the incompetent generals 
and politicians in charge of our wars on Saturday Night Live and put the 
incompetent comedians on Saturday Night Live in charge of our wars.

The only thing genuine in the Senate hearing came from a lone protester who 
shouted “This is mass murder” as she was escorted out by police.

No kidding, lady. No kidding.

http://original.antiwar.com/huber/2010/06/21/heard-any-good-war-jokes-lately/

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