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A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer
said, "That's once!"A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled
again. The farmer said, "That's twice!"After a little, while the poor old
horse stumbled again.The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the
seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.His brand new bride raised all
kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."The
farmer said, "That's once!"
A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon
until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone
who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many
people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody
could do it. One day a scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try
the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed
a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As
the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man,
"What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or
what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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