[Dryerase] The Alarm!--DV: Why does she stay

[The Alarm!Newswire]

Why does she stay?

By Celia Organista
The Alarm! Newspaper Contributor

The question that causes the most frustration for those of us who work 
with victims of domestic violence is “Why does she stay?”

I will not attempt to give you a universal answer to this question. 
Each woman who is a victim has her own unique reasons for staying in 
the relationship or choosing to end it. Some of the barriers that 
influence a woman’s decision include family pressure or expectations, 
religion, socio-economic status, level of education, immigration or 
legal issues. I believe there is one motivator that weaves its way 
through each woman’s reasoning: fear.

Fear wears many faces. It could be fear of being killed. For many women 
in our society, this is a real threat. It is a reality we have 
witnessed several times in our own community. A battered woman can 
never assume that such a threat should not be taken seriously.

For many victims of domestic violence, there is the fear of not being 
able to support themselves and their children. We are all aware of how 
difficult it is for a single head of a household to support a family. 
We also know that women earn less than men do at almost all types of 
employment, and often have less education. Locally, we have the added 
element of living in one of the most expensive communities in this 
country. Furthermore, a victim of domestic violence is often isolated, 
criticized and controlled to the point that she is more apt to doubt 
herself or has lost total confidence in any of her abilities.

In other cases it may be the fear of losing economic or social status. 
It is important to remember that domestic violence exists in all 
economic brackets and professional groups. Women who are victims in 
some groups can experience the added burden of believing it is not 
possible to escape because the perpetrator may have greater financial 
resources to make her story unbelievable, take her children or present 
legal obstacles.

Many women experience the fear and reality of being harassed even after 
they have left the relationship. Very often a woman may attempt to 
escape a situation and find that the perpetrator continues to pursue, 
harass, stalk and/or threaten her until she returns. Sometimes a woman 
decides to return because her batterer has either convinced her that 
things will change, she has encountered too many barriers to moving on 
with her life alone or she is afraid he may do something worse to her 
if she remains away. She may reach a point where she believes she will 
never be able to really be free of the situation.

We may ask, “How can she get to that point?” Ask any survivor of 
domestic violence and most will tell you it didn’t happen overnight. 
Abuse is very subtle. Abuse may be emotional, verbal and/or physical. 
It may begin with criticism of how she looks, cooks, cleans, drives, 
rears children, the friends she chooses or her sexual abilities. It 
usually includes a slow movement towards isolation of the victim. The 
subtle destruction of the victim’s self esteem and the separation from 
anyone who is close to her may begin as early as when the couple is 
dating. More and more we are doing work in the educational system with 
teenagers who are involved in dating relationships that have become 
abusive.

The separation of the victim from family and friends is a way the 
perpetrator maintains control over the partner. It becomes a situation 
where the victim cannot access her support system and becomes dependent 
solely on the partner/spouse. Constant criticism eventually destroys 
self-esteem, and isolation makes it almost impossible for a victim to 
find support or validation.

In the field of domestic violence we talk a great deal about what is 
known as the “Cycle of Violence.” The cycle begins with a period of 
“tension-building,” where the batterer may make threats and the victim 
senses pending abuse. The “explosion” follows the tension-building 
phase, where the violence reaches its climax. Whether the violence is 
physical, emotional, verbal or sexual, the “explosion” signifies the 
batterer’s belief that s/he has the right to control the victim by any 
means. After the explosion a “calm” stage follows where the batterer 
may apologize and promise to never become abusive again.

Although some women never experience the calm stage, this is often the 
most confusing time for a battered woman. Many women decide that they 
want to leave their abusive partners after the explosion, but are 
persuaded to change their minds by their batterers’ promises for a 
better future.

Once you understand the cycle of violence, the barriers to leaving, the 
loss of self-esteem, the isolation and the fears that survivors of 
domestic violence face, it is not difficult to understand why they may 
try again and again to salvage their relationships or stay because they 
see no way out.

I know for those of us who love and care for someone who is in an 
abusive relationship, it is very painful to feel powerless to help. I 
also know that the biggest mistake we can make is to keep silent. We 
suspect or we know what is happening to her, but we are afraid to say 
it. We hear it at the neighbor’s house, or notice a bruise and we try 
to ignore it. We need to say the words that break the silence and offer 
hope. We must not become frustrated when a woman does not do what we 
think she should do. We must abstain from judgment because we do not 
know her fear or her reality. We must remember that her sharing with us 
could mean putting herself in more danger

We must respect her boundaries, and if she allows it, we can help her 
think of how to keep herself and her children safe. Most of all, we 
should not put conditions on our support. We cannot make choices and 
decisions or take action for her. We cannot give up; it sometimes takes 
many efforts before the woman is ready to leave the relationship. We 
can help her know someone is there for her if she needs help, if she 
needs someone to listen.

We do not have the power to change anyone’s life, but we can offer them 
understanding and support. So the next time you see, hear or read about 
a survivor of domestic violence, remember that there could be a 
multitude of answers to the question “Why did she stay?” However, the 
more important question for each of us to answer is “Why does our 
community tolerate domestic violence?”

Celia Organista is the executive director for Women’s Crisis Support in 
Santa Cruz and Defensa de las Mujeres in Watsonville. This article 
first appeared in the Aptos Times after a local woman was murdered and 
the information gathered by the police indicated that she had been a 
battered woman.

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