[Newspoetry] Someone with too much time on their hands :)

[Bill Wendling]

Someone posted a rather amusing "review" of the new Family Circus book
"Daddy's Cap is on Backwards" in the Amazon.Com web site. In a bizzare
way, I believe this is one for the newspoetry people...The URL is:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0449148165/slashdotA/002-0206351-4397871

I've reprinted the review below (which got 5 stars, btw) just in case
it's no longer there:

A reader from On The Run, No Fixed Address , April 8, 1999  

Masonic Ploy 

		  I owe Bil Keane my life. When I first published my
review of "Daddy's Cap is on Backwards" on March 25th, I knew that I
risked the ire of Freemasons worldwide, but I was unprepared for the dire
consequences. The Masons struck back with a three pronged attack, on
April 1rst. The assumption was that any of their actions might be
concealed or misinterpreted under the guise of April Fools. In their
first gambit, an article appeared on Fortune Magazine's Web site
("Amazon's Not-Just-April Fools") claiming that ALL the reviews of Bil
Keane's brave and daring work were "spoof reviews," including my own.

		  From Fortune's article - "Another [review] delves into
the supposed Masonic references and suggests that the book's
disappearance from print has to do with a conspiracy."

		  "Supposed" references?!? Only to those who cannot see
or, perhaps, inclined to see otherwise. (But I will not be Fortune's
fool!) The book and my review were officially reinterpreted as "humorous
and harmless" by Fortune Magazine, the traditional mouthpiece of the
Illuminati, who seem to have temporarily ceased their century-old blood
feud with Freemasonry in order to jointly extinguish these threatening
flames of truth. With sharp teeth of "Daddy's Cap" now pulled, the book
was cleverly reissued. It is once again available through Amazon.com, and
most likely supplied from the Masons' own hoard of Keane's work.
Finally, they set out to silence me. At noon on April 1rst, I was
arrested on a charge of solicitation of prostitution as I conversed with
Candi, my personal investment broker, outside of a Super 8 motel room in
Midlothian, Virginia. (How that room came to be on my credit card remains
known only to the Masons themselves.) While in the squad car, I noticed
that the arresting officer wore a golden band on his left ring finger.
For those who have drunk deeply of "Daddy's Cap," this is the identifying
talisman of all Masonic assassins, as Dolly's comparison of her new
plastic ring to Mommy's "wedding" ring clearly shows. Knowing I had but
seconds to live, I leapt from the moving car and, leg bleeding, limped
behind a local Arby's, where I hid myself beneath a recent shipment of
Horsey Sauce. No agent of the Masons is thrown off for long and soon I
saw the "police officer" and his cohorts closing on my position. It was
then that I remembered the cartoon on page 43 of "Daddy's Cap." Billy,
commanded to return from school as quickly as possible, begins a
circuitous route, marked by a dotted line, that takes him all over the
neighborhood and through many minor adventures. Before then, I had
assumed that Keane had created this particular piece to expose the
Masonic machinations behind the infamous "Jack the Ripper" murders, with
Billy as Saucy Jack, eluding capture as he winds his way throughout the
Whitechapel district thanks to his brother Masons in the police ranks.
But crouching there, surrounded by the smell of horseradish, I realized
that Keane was describing the route to a safehouse. Of course, I will not
reveal where that house is located, only that I am close and have so far
escaped detection by the Freemasons and their agents - the IRS, the
alternative rock band Goo Goo Dolls, and Omar Sharif. (Although I
believed myself a goner when, in Altoona, PA, I almost checked in to a
Holiday Inn where Sharif, the cunning strategist and 14th degree Apron
Holder, was to be speaking at a convention of bridge enthusiasts.) Now,
like Keane, I find myself hunted. While Keane lives day to day with the
hope that his high profile celebrity status and copious "dirt" on the
Masons will keep the wolf at bay, I have no such aegis. Thus I find
myself alone in this world, with only my Jansport backpack (rugged!) and
a few meager possessions - my bootleg copy of a Philadelphia Boys II Men
concert, 64 slices of American cheese, and the Mormon Bible. And of
course, my now-tattered copy of "Daddy's Cap is on Backwards." I draw
strength with every new insight it provides. I've disguised myself with a
new haircut (good call, Mommy).  But more than that, I've taken many of
its lessons to heart.  Only the Club of Rome will have the might to
rebuff the Masonic takeover. L. Ron Hubbard is alive and well and
fighting the good fight. And spaghetti is really funny if you pronounce
it "spa-spetty." If you do not hear from me again, you will know I
perished for the truth. A truth that Fortune magazine would laugh at. But
if I can reach the safehouse, I shall let you know. Until then, I will
truly be "Notme." 

-- 
|| Bill Wendling			wendling at ganymede.isdn.uiuc.edu