[Newspoetry] hot stories to cover

[William Gillespie]

Today the entire social security fund is being taken in a fleet of
armored trucks to Atlantic City, where Clinton and Greenspan and a team
of economists plan to invest it wisely in a few low-risk card games to
ensure a sufficient retirement income for the kids of America.

Today Bill Gates announced that he is resigning from Microsoft and is
joining the Chicago Cubs.

Today the planet formerly known as the planet Pluto left the solar
system in disgust: across America, people who have been marginalized due
to their eccentric orbits rejoiced.

Today Clinton cut the military, and has started programs to help
soldiers move from war to work.

The Moscow Symphony Orchestra refused to tune their instruments today.

Woo!