[Newspoetry] newspoem 7/9/99

[auntbarb at shout.net]

Newspoem 7/9/99

ANNOUCEMENT
	
It has been decided that July 4th, 2000 will be held on Dec. 18th, 2000, instead.  This is beacause it has come to our
attention that lots of particularly silly and inexplicable behaviour takes place around this time.  This includes but
is not limited to Parades advertising comodities (Buicks, banks, veterans, kids, scouts of various sorts, lite rock
djs grooving to their own lame tunes, America, politicians waving while thier drivers sweat, and pizza dorks blasting
hot air from the base of a hot air balloon, but it's just too hot for that kind of crap) as "patriotic", picnics where
relatives swear and grump at each other, and the proliferation of colorful explosive devices doing their "Thing".

In particular, we are at a loss to explain the existence of "Shriners".  Are these people kept in closets and brought
out strictly for parades?  Are they even people, or are they simply inflatable, permanently affixed to their vehicles?
Is this why, year after year, they never seem to get any younger?  And what about the other strange groups of persons
wandering around in and out of the various groups of Shriners?  The Observed included The Chronologically Challenged,
The Lone Spaceman (not affiliated with any group or "float", but simply walking around by himself), WEFT (one member
of said WEFT was observed on a bike carrying a cardboard shark poised to take a chunk from said individual's
posterior - very strange indeed!), Dancing pre-teens, variuos groups of The Devout (some wearing bowties), Bananas for
America, and (least explicable of all), Guns Save Lives.com.  Also observed were arguements among spectators about
various "progressive" and "conservative" viewpoints espoused by parade participants.  We are still searching for
coherent explainations for the above.

As most of these silly events taking place under the guise of patriotism are distinctly summer oriented, we are hoping
that the celebration of Independence Day in the middle of December will lead to joyous, yet more sane celebrations.
Maybe people will cut down small decidious trees and put them in the middle of their living rooms and decorate them
with red, white, and blue crepe paper (thus offsetting any loss of profit for the crepe paper industry).  Or maybe we
will exchange 4th of July cards in the aforementioned colors, with candy and promises of love.  Reguardless of how
we choose to celebrate, we are hoping that Independence day remains a joyous occasion for all.  Any complaints can be
registered with the Complaints Department Monday-Friday between the hours of 5-9 pm, Mountain Time.  Thank you for
your cooperation.

-The Management