[Newspoetry] Chief Illiniwek dies

[Joe Futrelle]

"CHIEF ILLINIWEK" DIES IN SMALL PLANE CRASH
Analysts Note Trend in Minor-Celebrity Small-Aircraft Deaths

Grand Rapids, MI (Associated Poets) -- Chief Illiniwek, leader of the
Illini tribe and controversial mascot of the University of Illinois's
"Fighting Illini" athletic teams, died in what was apparently an
accident involving the ten-seater turbo-prop airplane he boarded after
a last-minute change in travel plans.  The plane, piloted by fellow
tribesman Pilots Light Aircraft, went sharply off course during its
ascent to cruising altitude, losing radio contact with air traffic
controllers seconds later.

The demise of "the chief" did little to mute the controversy
surrounding the traditionally-garbed cheerleader, who some people view
as a hurtful caricature of a downtrodden culture in the service of a
football team which admittedly sucks.  "The chief is a jinx,"
reiterated an awfully portly anti-chief agitator from behind
tri-focals, "all symbols are a jinx."  Some pro-chief activists broke
from their busy schedules of studying the history and culture of
indigenous american peoples to hurl accusations of conspiracy against
the anti-chief movement, but FAA officials trawling through the
wreckage insist that they have found no evidence of foul play.

A DISTURBING TREND

Trend-spotters reacted with raised eyebrows to what they see as the
latest development in a pattern minor-celebrity small-aircraft deaths,
which leapt onto the national agenda with the loss of John F. Kennedy
Jr. earlier this year.  "There are several factors at work here,"
explained Madeline Shattuck of the Minor Celebrity Light Aircraft
Fatality Institute, a non-profit watchdog organization monitoring the
trend.  Firstly, minor celebrities are one of the fastest-growing
population segments by some 17%.  The MCLAFI predicts that by the year
2030, one in three US citizens will be a minor celebrity.  Secondly,
the average size of an airplane in the US is reaching a 30-year low.
Shattuck also notes that 93% of all minor celebrity light aircraft
fatalities occur after last-minute changes in travel plans.  "I
suggest making travel plans and sticking to them," she says.

Roger Brigthon, president of the Celebrity Aircraft Fatality
Association (MCLAFI's parent organization), says CAFA has also noted a
trend towards smaller aircraft.  "After the John Denver [fatality], I
called up Oprah Winfrey just to make sure she wasn't into
hang-gliding," Brighton recounts.

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Joe Futrelle                  | "Michelle marred Ecuador, fiendishly;
Team Leader, Emerge           | we wouldn't be cascading." -- Isaac
Scientific Data Tech. / NCSA  | Sarawak 
http://emerge.ncsa.uiuc.edu/  |