[Newspoetry] like, whoa

[Anne Bargar]

Web Site Recruits Donors, Recipients
AP (Associated poets)

Tired of your brain?
A new Utah-based web site calling itself Brain Exchange is probably what
you're looking for.  "Brain exchange is for those lacking in either
personality, or social skills, or both.  It's for those who find that
replacing their brain is simply the easiest solution to their social
problems," says Ralph W. Quilb, CEO of Brain Exchange.

"We offer our customers the choice of recieving either an exchanged brain
or hand-crafted software implants.  A lot of our customers are looking for
a high-efficiencey wiring that that can input, store, and update data very
quickly."

Andy Blant, head programmer for Brain exchange's software division, says
he is satisfied with his new brain.  "The worst aspect of my new thought
processor is the somewhat robotic voice I seems to have developed.  the
implantation of the device was painless, and I have hardly noticed a
difference, except that I am now programmed for ettiquitte.  This is
something I did not posses before the implantation of the Thinking Device.
I am also not bothered any more about the consequences of the decisions
that I make, or my actions towards others."

Brain exchange facillitates exchanges between human donors, as well as
human donors and software compainies.  "The software option is the most
popular," says Quilb, "because these folks have so many social problems.
They don't want to risk taking on a brain as socially defunct as the one
they're getting rid of.  Software is by far the more reliable option."

Transplants might even be offered for free, provided that the recipient
agree to free advertising for the spftware company for the rest of their
natural-born life.  "We haven't worked out the bugs yet," says Andy Blant,
sounding slightly robotic.  "We will be offering either to put the name of
the software developer in a halo-like ring around the recipient's head, or
we will program them to slip the name of the company into every other
sentence they speak."

Brain Exchange does have it's detractors.  A coalition of over 35 groups
has declared Brain exchange to be "an outright menace to society,"
according to Anna Hepenski, director of the Southwest Boise Psychologist's
Association.  The coaltion includes such groups as the Northwest
Territory Psychiatric Association, the Northeast Ohio Psychic Plummbers'
Group, the Psychology Department of the University of North Dakota, and
the Greater Cincinnati Free-Thinkers Society.  "Brain Exchange is
abhorrent!  Our coalition is concerned with a broad spectrum of quetions
that Brain Exchange has not stopped to consider.  For example, What is the
effect of a computerized brain on the human soul?  What's going to happen
to huamn creativity if parents start replacing the brains of kids who
aren't 'normal?'  Do we really want corporate America to manufacture our
brains?  Does the computerized brain develop a sense of identity, and what
happens to it when the host body dies?  Does the brain languish in agony,
contemplating it's immortality?  The quesions must be answered!"

Brain Exchange executives say that they have weighed these questions to
some extent.  "Well, yeah, we've given some consideration to all that
existential stuff.  We'll put out a statement about it when our IPO is
ready.  But really, we're just here to satisfy customer demand.  Our motto
is 'Easier Living For Those Who Can't Be Bothered.'  That's what we're all
about."